Chapter 29
I had avoided coming here for over two years now. I anxiously parked my car in the empty lot and walked with flowers in my hand. They weren’t very pretty, really. I just randomly picked wildflowers I found down the road. Then again, she was quite the wildflower herself.
I stepped carefully through the rows of headstones, searching for the one that mattered most to me. When I found the lot with clean-cut grass and an empty vase, I sped my walk.
I placed my wildflowers in her vase and took a seat close by. I had not visited Gram’s grave since her burial. I had always believed that once she was buried, I would find parts of her in the house, in the flowers on my desk, or in one of those stale Little Debbie’s she used to always eat. But I had lost sight of her, and I was desperate for any sense of guidance.
I glanced around me, checking for others grieving nearby. When I saw the lack of anyone else, I quietly spoke.
“Hey Gram. I’m sorry it’s been a while. I wasn’t trying to avoid you, but I guess I needed my own time too.”
I narrated aloud my journey through the spring and summer of this year, telling Gram every piece of her home and Grant. I would tell her my thoughts and dreams for the future and how I expected my grumpy man to come back one day.
I couldn’t be sure how long I stayed there, talking to a headstone with Elizabeth Hart written across it. But I knew there was nowhere else I needed to be, so I talked till I had almost nothing left to say.
“I didn’t know that Mom was always hoping I had been closer to her. Maybe if I did we could have had more time between the three of us. Or maybe you two would have been closer.”
I remained quiet as if I was waiting for her to answer me or have something come to me.
“I’m sorry for selling the house. I am sorry for caving in. But I know I can’t move in there. It doesn’t feel right if he’s not there with me. And I may regret it one day, but I hope you chose to forgive me and lay your head to rest.”
I said my final goodbyes and gave myself the closure I needed.
I looked up at the cloudy sky and prayed that Grant was doing the same.