would be freeing. That it would feel like this huge burden was
lifted off of me, but it doesn’t. It feels like I’m being
smothered.
I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I can almost
feel my lungs closing up. My breathing is shallow, and I’m
basically panting while trying to make it look like I’m not,
which means closing my mouth and keeping the breath in. I
can feel my nostrils flaring though, which I imagine isn’t
pretty at all. Although, at the moment, I’m not exactly worried
about how I look.
I felt like I needed to tell Adley, to make her
understand. To make things right. Now I feel like I have to
make this right.
“I’m just telling you because…because I want you to
know that it definitely wasn’t you. And I appreciate everything
you did. You had no idea. And you’re just so easy to talk to. I
know that you had to know things about me for the profile, but
it wasn’t just that. I wouldn’t have told anyone else half the
things I told you.” That sounds stupid. I’m making things so
much worse.
I can tell that I’ve shocked Adley. Obviously. All the
hallmark signs are there—wide eyes, slightly parted lips, this
glazed over look.
“Oh,” she whispers. “I’m surprised. But that’s fine. I
mean, I think that’s great.” She reaches for her tea, and even
though it’s probably still wickedly hot, she gulps some back
and hangs onto the mug. “Sorry. That sounded terrible. What
I’m trying to say is that I understand. Thank you for telling
me. I imagine it wasn’t easy for you. Am I the only person
you’ve told? Ever?”