GRACE
Iwatch him as he sleeps. His hardened features softer. His strong jawline relaxed. He looks at peace as he sleeps. And it makes my heart clench. I can feel it, deep inside of me. Something I am trying to ignore.
Feelings.
Goddamn feelings.
I can’t afford to have them. I never intended on staying in Asheville. And feelings change things.
But these last two days with Carson have been so different. Not the cat-and-mouse game we play in the office. It’s almost like this freedom, allowing us to be together. It doesn’t mean we don’t tease each other and flirt relentlessly. There is just something easy between us. Natural.
Not to mention the sex has changed dramatically. It’s still rough and intense but we aren’t chasing orgasms as fast as possible. We’ve been able to take our time. Explore each other’s bodies. We don’t have to rush and hide and keep secrets. Here, we are just us, and it’s giving me goddamn feelings.
We spent the day looking for Phillip’s mistress, she was a lot easier to find and a lot more agreeable than we thought she would be. Her name is Cassie and apparently Phillips told her his wife wanted a divorce. She didn’t know why his wife wanted a divorce. And she hated knowing since he just pays her for sex but she said he looked sad the last time she saw him. She knew his life was fucked up. Knew the stories, heard the rumors. But he was genuinely sad over his wife asking that. He loved his kids. She said he may have been a sleazebag but she could tell from how he talked about them he loved them.
After she agreed to testify on Phillip’s behalf, Carson and I just hung out together. We walked through the historic downtown area. Through a flower market where I continued to sneeze up a storm from the damn pollen. We ate a late lunch at a little café. Then walked along the river eating ice cream. We talked about the most mundane things. I stayed away from Tiffany and he didn’t ask about why I left journalism.
Then we came back to the hotel and made love. We didn’t fuck. We took our time. Exploring every inch of each other. And when he finally entered me, it was all different. We stared into each other’s eyes and something passed between us. A feeling I don’t think either of us expected.
We then spent the rest of the night naked and laughing. We ordered room service and then fucked some more. My heart is full and as I lie here and watch him, I can’t help but wonder what choice I am going to make. Could I spend my life as a paralegal or maybe find some new job that thrills me the way journalism does? I’ve gone to a few yoga classes at Seraphina’s studio and surprisingly enjoyed them. Maybe I could get certified and become an instructor.
There are so many things to think about, decisions to make. And I wonder why I am even thinking about them. I had a plan. And then I was blacklisted, or at least it feels like I was. But if I could find a good story, I could submit it to The Post or The New Yorker. I have friends and contacts. I could still live my dream. But what would I do about Carson? And can I really go back to a career that led me to so many mistakes? Led me to getting someone killed. I don’t think I can ever get over that.
“You seem to have a lot on your mind for three in the morning.” Carson’s words are quiet.
I flick my eyes away from the defined muscles of his abs where the sheet is hanging low and look up at him. “Can’t sleep.”
He brushes a piece of hair behind my ear. “Did I not tire you out enough?”
I laugh as I wrap an arm around him and slide in closer to his warmth, something I am growing addicted to. “No, you definitely did. But my mind won’t shut off.”
“Then I didn’t do my job,” he teases.
I give him a small smile and then stare at his chest as I run my fingers over it.
“What’s wrong, Grace?”
“Do you think we could make this work?” I am surprised by my own question.
His wide eyes let me know he is just as surprised. “Baby, if this is what you want, then it’s what I want. I’ll even be the one to tell your brother. But you may need to have a few bags of ice ready because I am sure he will get a few good punches in.”
I let out a soft laugh. “I’ll remember that.”
“What’s bothering you?”
“I just… I’m happy with you, Carson. I like whatever the hell this is. It feels natural, real. It’s not forced. We connect on a level I have never connected with anyone before.”
He pulls me closer into him and hooks my leg over his hip. “What’s the but?”
I bite my lip. I still can’t look him in the eye. Especially after I just kind of admitted I had feelings. And that is not easy for me to do. “I had a path set out for me. I wanted to be the best investigative journalist in the country. I worked my ass off to get my job at The Chronicle. I was on the pathway to success. And I still want it more than anything. But how am I supposed to do that while I’m here in North Carolina? Not that I am even sure I can get a job.”
He places his fingers under my chin and has me look into his eyes. “You know, with that kind of career, you can work from anywhere. I get that you would travel a lot but you don’t need to be in DC or New York to work. So this is coming from something else.”
I shrug. He’s right. I don’t need to be in a major city. And damn him for being able to read me.
“Why don’t you tell me exactly what happened that caused you to run to Asheville?”
I glare at him. “I didn’t run.”