“In the sense of what?”
I study him. He’s probably the only guy I can talk to. It’s still hard though.
“Everything. I love her, James.”
“I know. It’s always been obvious. What’s wrong? Don’t you think she’s going to choose you?” Concern fills his face.
“It’s not that I’m worried about,” I say. “I think she’ll choose me, but the problem is me.”
“Why would you be the problem? You’re the one who asked her for a second chance. Have you changed your mind?”
“No, I haven’t. It’s something from the past that came back to haunt me.”
He gives me a stern expression. “The past? What do you mean?”
“The real reason why I broke up with her.” This is the first time those words have left my head.
“It wasn’t about your career, was it?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t.”
“It was your father. Was that the reason, Paul?”
He’s the guy with my secrets. He’s also my closest friend. Close enough to know the truth when I try to hide behind a lie. He was the only person I told about my father, and I only told him because I needed to get it off my chest. He kept it such a secret we only spoke about it that one time.
All I do now is nod, and he sighs with frustration.
“Paul, Jesus Christ,” he scoffs. “Why the fuck would you allow him to get to you like that?”
“I’m his son. Jia deserves more than a guy who came from someone so evil.”
“That’s bullshit.”
I search his eyes. I can see he knows what I mean, but he’s saying that because he’s my friend.
“It’s not bullshit, James. It got to me so bad I couldn’t do the thing I wanted to do most.”
“What?”
“I was… going to ask her to marry me. I even bought a ring, and I prepared. I planned how I was going to propose, then the shit happened with my father.”
His mouth drops open just like I expected, and he glares at me.
“Fuck, what are you saying to me?”
“I wanted her to be my wife.”
He continues to stare at me. “And do you still want that?”
“Yes.”
“Then, Paul, if that’s true, you have to take your next steps with a clean slate. You can’t have shit on your mind like your father. You should tell her what happened. Secrets are not good. Trust me. I come from a family full of secrets. If you want a future with her, trust her enough to tell her the way you told me.”
“What if… what if she thinks I’m just like him?”
Fuck… that’s my biggest fear.
James shakes his head. “No… no, Paul. There’s no way she’d think that. Your father was evil for what he did. A complete monster. That’s not you.”
That’s not me, but that doesn’t stop anyone from thinking it. It doesn’t stop Jia from deciding that she wouldn’t want to be associated with someone like me.
The problem is, she could.