“Yes, and not because of the building. I think that was just to get your attention and show you he’s serious.”
“I know. It’s strange, as he said it, I… I was more fixated on him than the building.”
“Jia… you love him,” Rachel points out.
“I never stopped. Loving someone, though, and falling for them are two different things. I’m scared that if I fall, he won’t be there to catch me, and I won’t be able to stop myself from hitting the ground.”
They both stare at me, probably unsure of what to say. Its’ time to tell them the rest of the story.
“I know what hitting the ground feels like,” I add. “When he broke up with me, I’d just found out that… I… lost our baby.” God, saying those words outside my head feels so weird.
Now my friends stare at me in disbelief.
Rachel’s eyes snap wide, and Giselle’s hands fly up to her cheeks.
“What?” Rachel gasps.
“I wasn’t very far along. Two and a half months. I found out before he got back on leave. I wanted to tell him in person, and I knew if we were going to have a baby, we’d have to step away from the secret. Stop being a secret. It was crazy that we stuck to living it in the years after our parents’ divorce.” I run a shaky hand through my head and continue. “He came back, and he was weird. I’d never seen him like it. Even when his father died months before, he didn’t seem as weird as he was then. They had a bad relationship.” That’s all I’ll ever say when I have to explain my thoughts about Paul’s father. I know in my heart it was more than just a bad relationship. “He was usually so happy to see me, not that time though. So I held off telling him about the baby straightaway. He was only back for two weeks, and as the days went by, I tried to summon the courage, and when I did, I started bleeding. I went to the hospital, and they told me I lost it. He didn’t know, but he broke up with me that same day.”
Jesus… talking about my pain lifts the burden from my shoulders. It’s a secret burden I don’t have to class as secret anymore.
They both come over and sit on either side of me, putting their arms around me as tears trickle down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Rachel says.
“Me too,” Giselle adds.
“I’ve never told anybody that. I know I shouldn’t hold it against him because he didn’t know, but I was at my lowest and he was my everything. I never saw our break coming. I never even took his weirdness as a sign that he wanted to break up. Now he wants me back, and I’m finding it hard because he’s Paul. I can’t allow myself to fall for him the way I did before and get hurt.”
Rachel shakes her head. “No, I don’t think you should think like that. I know you’re being sensible and protecting your heart. It’s the rational thing to do. I get it, but if you don’t take this risk, I think you’ll always be left wondering what could have happened. It’s thirty days, Jia. What if you didn’t think about all the reasons you’re worried and just embrace this as something new you want to explore?”
I think about it.
I think she’s right. I’d always be wondering what could have been if I don’t try.
Thirty days, one month to fall for him.
Do I want to go there again?
* * *
It’s like I’m on autopilot the next night as I step out of the elevator leading to our room at The Dark Odyssey.
I’m here, and I allowed my heart to guide me.
I’ve come with the plan in mind to try this and not just give him a chance but myself too.
The door is open in anticipation of my arrival.
I walk through it and find him standing by the balcony.
Just like always, he looks like a dream.
He’s dressed in a white button-down shirt that makes an excellent show of his well-muscled body. Black slacks highlight the definition in his powerful legs. Against the night sky behind him and the backdrop of the Chicago skyline, he looks sexy and commands a presence that makes every cell come alive in my body.
I remember when I first saw him. I had the same feelings even back then.
He straightens up when he sees me, and I walk up to him.
The twinkle in his eyes brightens when his gaze touches my body. Just like the night before, we don’t say anything as we kiss. He just kisses me, and I allow myself to get taken away into the fantasy all over again.
This time, I open my heart.
As the kiss turns hungry, I think of all the wild fun that awaits us inside the walls of this club.
The kind of fun I’ve only ever experienced with him.