Jia
“This was supposed to be me coming to check on you,” Rachel says with a little smile and tucks a lock of her dark hair behind her ear.
She twists around on the kitchen stool so she can rest her arm on the countertop.
“I’m okay,” I answer. It’s a lie though. I didn’t sleep last night. I was thinking about Paul and what he said. It didn’t make sense in comparison to what actually happened between us.
I start mixing the pureed avocado in the bowl and add a few drops of the peppermint tincture I made. I’m making her a face mask because she was complaining about a few barely-there stress spots.
“Hey, you don’t have to pretend with me, you know.” She straightens up and looks me over.
I stop mixing the ingredients and focus on her. I told her what happened last night. All Paul said. What I haven’t done is elaborate on it. I haven’t said anything about how shocked I was by what he said.
We just came in here, and I started making the face mask.
It must be hard being my friends. I know I only share what I want to, and quite often that means they’re only left with parts of the information. Never the whole story.
Some stories are difficult to tell. Like this one. It’s hard to talk about. Just as hard as talking about my mother’s death. Both involve a deep hurt to my heart.
Mom died of leukemia when I was ten, and it was awful. When asked about it, I always say she died when I was little, but I never go into details. Only a handful of people know the specifics.
When it came to Paul, I couldn’t tell a soul, and it happened during a time when I had so many people around me I could have spoken to.
“I’m not okay, Rachel,” I say. “It’s all complicated when it comes to Paul, and I don’t like that. You know me, I like being in control. The worst thing is not being able to control this situation when my emotions are all over the place.”
“Because you still have feelings for him?” she asks with a little shrug to her delicate shoulders. “It’s okay to still have feelings for a person if you’re broken up. I think it’s natural.”
“I guess it’s natural. I just don’t want to.”
“I don’t think we can have control over things like that, Jia.” She looks me over with caution. “Last night’s talk was all about the building. Today, you seem more reminiscent of Paul. You never really told me what actually happened between you guys. I’m guessing you told me the same as you did Giselle, which wasn’t a lot. Jia… you look like you were in love with him.”
I bite down hard on my back teeth as tears sting my eyes. In love? Yes. I absolutely was. There was no question about that. I just hid it really well.
“I don’t think I can talk about that part with anyone… yet. Nobody else knows we were together. At least none of my other friends.” I say other friends like I can actually class anyone outside Rachel and Giselle as friends. They’re more of acquaintances who I share things in common with.
“I was actually amazed when you told me. I’ve known you for a long time, and I never guessed you guys were together like that. I mean, I could tell from the way he looked at you sometimes when I saw him that there was something. But that was just an observation.”
“I know. It was all a fantasy, and he… wanted to keep it that way. When it came down to it, he didn’t really want anything outside of our big secret. I just wanted him to be mine. I hate that he couldn’t have wanted more from me, but I hate it more that I’m still that person who’s stuck there. Stuck in the fantasy, like I’m waiting for him to come back. This”—I motion my hand around—“doesn’t feel real to me.”
She listens and seems surprised by my words. I guess that’s perhaps the most emotion I’ve ever shared about anyone.
“Jia… it sounds like you’re not over him.”
A little laugh escapes my lips. It’s not one of humor though, no. I’m laughing at myself because that’s the same conclusion I came to this morning.
I’m not over him. I’m not. I won’t lie. I knew that as truth the whole time, which is why I avoid him. My heart can’t accept that we aren’t together anymore.
But my brain keeps me in check, cautioning me to be careful.
I really wish Paul didn’t say what he said last night. It would have been easier on me.
“He really hurt me, Rachel, and there was no real reason to, other than the fact that maybe he outgrew me. He said he wanted to focus on his career, but we were already together when he started his career. He was away for months sometimes before I’d see him, and I made it okay. It was like that for at least three years. I knew his excuse was just an excuse. So, it doesn’t matter what I feel now. Truth is truth.”
“I get it. I’d be the same. I just think that if you feel the way you do after all these years, there’s something there that might be worth looking into. What if he feels the same way? He sounded like he might.”
I shake my head. “I can’t go down that road again. I can’t.”
She gives me an exasperated sigh. “Okay… what do you want to do? I want to help in any way I can, even if you just want to talk. I’m here. I’m always here for you.”