He nodded, and his attitude seemed to be softening. I’m sure it had much more to do with the baby’s picture than it did with me.
“I’ve kept my emotions in check for a very long time. The closest I’ve come to letting them out in years was with you. I think that’s where the whole getting drunk thing came from. I was feeling things again and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I just wanted to be numb. Before you it was with my son. At least the boy I thought was my son. I let myself feel the love and the awe. He was so amazing…I’m sure that he still is. I still miss him.” I could see the love in Aiden’s eyes when he talked about that little boy. It made me feel even guiltier for wanting to take this one from him. “The woman who professed to love me and supposedly wanted to spend the rest of her life with me lied. She let me believe he was mine, she let me fall in love with him and then she took him away. Her cheating wasn’t even as much of a violation as that was. I could live with her falling in love with someone else if she had told me that. But instead she snuck around, and only to keep from getting caught, she let me believe the baby was mine. When I found out you were pregnant and you had left without telling me, that’s exactly where my mind went. I saw red, all those boxes in my head opened at once and I felt so many things again. The only one that didn’t hurt was the rage, so I settled on that. I was sure that the woman I’d started caring for deeply had done the same thing to me as she had.”
“I’m sorry; I should have talked to you. I was afraid and confused. I also had no idea that you cared for me, Aiden. Every night after we had…our baby-making session, you left me alone, like you couldn’t bear to have to wake up next to me every day.”
“I left because waking up next to you every day was only going to intensify what I was feeling for you and I looked at that as dangerous. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, you might take advantage of me and break my heart.”
“Aiden, you can’t go through life with a wall around your heart, not just from me but from anything that causes you to have a real feeling. If you do, and you never let anyone in, you’ll never truly be happy.”
“I know that, Holly. I try to tell myself that I need to be more open to love…but look where you are, and why. You left me, rather than stay and talk, or stay and fight. I have to be worth at least that much before I would be willing to let you inside any walls.”
“You’re right. I already knew that running was wrong, but I did that emotionally, and once it was done, I didn’t know how to undo it. I’ve ached for you every day since, and I’ve regretted what a mess we both made of things.”
“We’re both a hot mess, aren’t we?” he said. I don’t know why, but that made me laugh, long and hard. He joined me and it felt like a lighter mood had fallen across the room.
“Yes, we are,” I told him when I stopped laughing. “But, we don’t have to be. Now that we know what’s wrong, we can work on fixing it. It’s similar to my mom with her alcoholism…you have to admit there is a problem and then work on understanding it and go from there. I could even move back to the city, if you would agree…”
“No, Holly!” he said.
I felt like he stabbed me in the heart. Had I misunderstood? I thought he was leading towards us working something out, “So you plan to take me to court?” I asked.
“No,” he said, again. “I plan for you and me to figure out a schedule for our baby like adults, and this time, I don’t expect you to be the one to change your life to do that.”
I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. That was the first time he’d called the baby “ours” I was so happy that; I missed what he said next, “What? I’m sorry?”
“I asked if you might consider giving me another chance where your feelings for me are concerned, unless you’ve replaced those all with anger or disgust because of my behavior.”
“Um…yes, I’d love that, both things. I promise to talk to you, and be honest with you. No more running away.”
“And I will do my best to stop trying to control every situation, and to vo
ice how I’m feeling. It’s going to take me some time. This is how I’ve been for a long while now. I think that it will make me less stressed if I can accomplish it. Having to win all the time puts a lot of pressure on a person.”
“I understand. I hope you’ll trust me first. I already love this baby, and I care deeply for you. I want us to be a family more than anything in the world.”
“So do I,” he said, pulling me in close. I closed my eyes as he kissed me and as my lips parted; I could feel in my heart that a whole new life was opening up to us all.
When we came up for air, Aiden said, “I forgot one important thing, the contract.”
Confused again, and still somewhat light-headed from the kiss I said, “The contract? But I thought we were going to do this together?”
“We are,” he said. He picked up the stack of legal papers and tore them into shreds. Then he threw the shreds into the air like confetti and pulled me in for another deep kiss. It felt like New Year’s Eve in Times Square.
~
Chapter Eighteen
~
AIDEN
The air was warm, but not so hot as to be uncomfortable. The tall palms swayed in the light breeze and the sun streamed down through the green fronds. The sand was damp and cool beneath my bare feet. I wore a comfortable pair of beach shorts and a shirt that would have made any surfer proud. The boat ride out had been one big, fun party with all of my favorite people aboard. I was thirty years old and about to have everything I’d ever desired.