She looked hurt, or maybe just shocked that I would speak to her that way. I felt bad about hurting her feelings by the way I’d said it, but I didn’t regret what I said. She seems to forget sometimes that we’re not actually a couple and that we’re not making a family together. It was all in black and white in the contract.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” I said, hoping that would appease her.
“It’s fine,” she said. “You’re right; it’s your child and your business.” She didn’t seem like it was fine and as she spoke I felt even worse about hurting her. I was really not an ass. I just wanted…no; I needed to keep things pragmatic. Her lips were pursed in a defensive way and I couldn’t help thinking about how sweet they always tasted. A sensation passed through my body and although I knew I should leave it alone for now so that she didn’t continue to get the wrong idea, I was compelled to kiss her. I covered the small space between us in one step and had her in my arms, kissing her, feeling her warm body against mine in two thrilling seconds.
When we came up for air she said, “What was that about?”
“Foreplay,” I told her. I was trying to be cute and charming but she furrowed her brow like she didn’t understand. “I was thinking of a long day at the beach, lunch in a nice restaurant and then a marathon of baby making sex when we get back…so that was foreplay.”
She smiled, but it looked forced. I saw something pass across her eyes and I wished for the first time that I knew what she was thinking. I told myself it didn’t matter, like the way I plan to raise my child; her thoughts were not my business. We had a contract and she signed it. I signed it and I hope that we both intended to honor it.
HOLLY
We did go home that night and make love for hours. I suppose to protect my heart, I should just refer to it as baby-making sex the way that Aiden does. It’s hard for me to see it that way. When we’re alone in that bed together he’s so sweet and tender and I hesitate to say it…loving. He’s a very unselfish lover and I shudder to think of the trail of broken hearts he had likely left in his wake.
But, I told myself, no matter how sweet it was, the next morning I always wake up alone. During the day I can tell that he’s doing all he can to keep our relationship on a business level. The day at the beach when he kissed me I was shocked because he usually didn’t do that out of the blue. All of our affection is usually relegated to the bedroom. I had to wonder if he was only feeling guilty about snapping at me, or if he was beginning to have real feelings as well. I hated to admit it, but I was hoping for the latter. He was very good at guarding his feelings and I also had to wonder how good that was going to be when he had a child and he was the only parent. I did hope he knew that the child was not going to be content or even healthy if the only attention and affection he was getting was from the staff. I hoped he knew he wasn’t going to be able to treat that child like a possession…like something he’d paid for…which he did. After the way he snapped at me though, I suppose I should remember to keep those opinions to myself.
It was Monday morning now and time for my weekly visit to the doctor. I was sitting in his lobby, flipping through a magazine, but not really seeing it. It had been two straight months and there was only one week during that time when we hadn’t had sex at least once a night. That was during my menstrual cycle. Other than that it was anywhere from one to three times a night. Sometimes he was insatiable and I almost couldn’t keep up with him. It was another reason I was able to lie to myself and believe that he felt something for me…who has that much sex with someone they don’t care for?
“Miss Valentine?” The nurse brought me out of my reverie. “Dr. Lewis is ready to see you now.” She had already taken all of my vitals and had me pee in a cup; the routine was the same every week. Then when the doctor was ready I would go back and he would tell me that I was in excellent health, but not pregnant yet. It all seemed like a waste of time and money to me, but Aiden insisted and he was the one paying the bills.
I followed the nurse through the double doors and down a long, quiet hall with lots of windows and green plants. I was starting to notice that places designed for the well-to-do were also designed for discretion. All of the doors were shut tight and I hadn’t seen another patient, not even in the halls. She showed me to my usual room and said, “Just go ahead and have a seat on the exam table. Dr. Lewis will be right in.”
I thanked her and picked up a copy of People magazine to thumb through while I waited. My thoughts started spinning again and I was happy that I didn’t have long to wait. Dr. Lewis came in carrying my chart within minutes.
“Hello, Holly. How are you doing today?”
“I’m doing well, doc. How are you?” I asked.
He smiled and said, “Good, thanks for asking. I have good news for you as well.”
I felt a tingle down my spine. Was he about to tell me that I was pregnant? Finally?
“Am I…?”
His grin grew wider and he said, “Yes, you’re pregnant, Holly. Just about six weeks along.”
“Yay!” I hooted out. I was so excited.
“Aiden’s going to be really happy, isn’t he?”
“Yes, he’ll be so excited, thank you doctor!”
He laughed and said, “You’re welcome.” Then he began to explain to me what would happen from here on out. “Not your visit next week, but the one after we’ll do a sonogram to get a more accurate conception date. Then we’ll do them about every two months to make sure that the baby is growing and healthy. I’m going to give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins as well. Otherwise, keep doing what you’ve been doing. You’re a very healthy young lady. Your body will most definitely undergo a lot of changes though, so if anything concerns you or leaves you with questions please don’t hesitate to call me.”
I told him I would, took my prescription, thanked him again and left. I got into the back of the limousine, trying to act naturally. I didn’t want anyone to know, or guess until I’d had a chance to tell Aiden. I thought all the way home about what I would make us for dinner and dessert, and how I would tell him.
I was filled with so many different emotions. There was a mixture of anticipation and relief that worried me. I knew the relief was because Aiden was beginning to get a little anxious over it taking so long, but the anticipation? Why was I anticipating nine months of a growing body, aches and pains, morning sickness…when all I had to look forward to at the end was packing my bags and leaving before the baby even makes it home to the nursery. The more I anticipated it, the more it was going to sting in the end.
When I got up to the penthouse I made a cup of tea and took it out on the balcony. I sat down on one of the loungers and leaned back into it. I closed my eyes and I let myself do something that I hadn’t done since this whole thing started…remember what my thoughts used to be on becoming a mother.
My own mother and I hadn’t had a good relationship for a long time. That had skewed my outlook a bit on motherhood. But before that, when things were good in my family I used to, like all other little girls, dream of the big wedding and the honeymoon on a beach and the big house where after a while I would discover that I was pregnant with our child and we would both be dancing on air.
We would embark on that new journey together and he would be at my side every step of the way. We would count our blessings…together. I would carry around my baby dolls and call myself “Mama.” I remember my dad telling me what a good mother I was going to be someday. I wondered what he would think of me now, but then I reminded myself that things would be so much different if he were still around.
This whole time since I’d signed that contract, I don’t think I’d really thought about the reality of what I was doing until now. I mean the real slap you in the face reality. The one that comes from having the doctor tell you you’re pregnant. I have a human being growing inside of me.
No matter what happened with this baby, once I walked away from him the entire course of my life w
as going to change. When I did find that special someone and we did make a baby together, none of it was going to be new. Even if I never shared this experience with my true love, I would know that I had walked the path before…and it had ended at a brick wall. I’m sure I would be depressed on the anniversary of his birthday every year, and each time I saw a child his age, I would have to wonder how he was doing and if he was happy, and healthy…what was I doing?
Once I tell Aiden that I’m pregnant, he would begin to prepare for the day that I would leave. I’d spend the next nine months watching him plan for my departure. That was another source of my angst. I was really hoping to mean more to him by now. All of that was not to mention the reservations I had about the ideas he had about raising a child, or I should say about his staff raising a child. He was so cold sometimes, so distant…what kind of person leaves her child in the hands of someone who was likely going to show it very little love and affection? Does that make me a terrible person?
I needed some more time to think about this. I needed to get a better feel at least of how he was going to be with our child…his child. I decided to forego the announcement ceremony and wait a few days before I told him anything.
When Aiden got home from work that night the first thing he said was, “How did the appointment go? Anything yet?”
If I lied then when I told him, he would know that I lied…unless I just waited to tell him until after my next appointment. I didn’t know what I was going to do yet, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to tell him. I wasn’t ready to slowly be shuffled towards the door.
“Everything is fine, but nothing yet,” I told him. I hated to lie and I was afraid he could see the truth on my face.
I’m guessing he bought it because he loudly said, “Damn!” as he slammed his briefcase down on the table. “How long is this going to take?”
I had dinner set out and his tantrum caused the plates to jump and the gravy to slosh over the sides of the gravy boat. He looked at it, with disgust. Grabbing his briefcase up and knocking over a glass of water then he said, “I’ll be in my study. I’m not hungry. If I get hungry I’ll order something in later.” I watched in shock as he stormed out of the dining room and down the hall. Not only leaving me in shock, but to clean up his mess as well. His behavior only reinforced the notion that I was right not to tell him I was pregnant. Not just yet…