I woke up to my alarm the next day, still reveling in the afterglow of that magical night. I smiled all day at work and Rose and Myra knew something was up, but I made them wait all day before finally giving them the details. They seemed as excited to hear about it as I was to be present for it. That was the great thing about my friends.
I still hadn’t allowed myself to think about the problems the feelings I was beginning to have for Aiden were going to cause to my emotional health. I was still floating on a high and I didn’t want to ruin it just yet. I was slapped in the face with reality every day. I figured a tiny bit of denial or delusion, whatever you wanted to call it, wasn’t going to hurt anyone. As I was leaving work that day he called to tell me he had meetings all evening but he’d like to see me for breakfast the next day. I agreed and hung up once again euphoric only at the sound of his voice.
After my shower and dressing in my pajama’s, that evening I sat down and called my mother. She’d never called me back the day before and I felt like I needed to at least check in. I got her voicemail again. There was something in the back of my mind that told me I should get in a cab and go over and check on her, but I talked myself out of it. I had done that many times before, and every time it had ended with finding her either drunk or passed out. I wasn’t in the mood tonight to see her either way. I wanted one more day at least to live in my fantasy world where I was finally the star. I fell asleep on the couch and dreamt of Aiden. In my dream we were on the beach and I was wearing a white dress and flowers in my hair. It was a wedding, and I was the guest of honor. I woke up to my alarm, startled.
When I got my bearings back I had no choice but to admit to myself that I was getting in too deep emotionally and I had to look at that whether I wanted to or not before I allowed my heart to get broken.
I fixed my coffee and took it out on the tiny little balcony on the back of my apartment. Sitting down in the old lounge chair I sipped my drink and thought over my situation. Aiden was gorgeous, that was a fact. He was also rich, kind, generous, intelligent….and wounded. He was deeply wounded and that had made him wrap a cocoon around his heart. What his wife had done to him, first cheating and then taking away the baby had left scars in him that ran too deep for someone like me to heal. He seemed so normal on the surface, but before I went any further, I needed to force myself to think about this rationally. What he was asking me to do, legal and acceptable or not, was odd to me. He was the city’s most eligible bachelor. Why not just work on finding a woman building a relationship, getting married and starting a family? Because he was afraid that it would all turn out the way it had before. With this plan, he was the one in control. He called all the shots and although it left him with no relationship, it left him with a baby…someone to give his wounded heart too. In the long run no matter how happy that baby made him, he’d still be left unable to trust and with a yearning in his heart. At least that’s what I thought.
I thought about going through with this, trying to help him at least mend a part of his heart. I thought about spending nine months with a child in my belly. That thought didn’t bother me. I was actually a little excited about the prospect of creating a life. I’d always wanted to have children…Then I did what I had been avoiding…I forced myself to picture walking away. I made myself think about what a child created from Aiden and my own genes would look like. I thought about the tiny little hands and fingers and toes that he or she would have. I could see big, dark eyes looking up at me, looking for security and comfort in its mother’s arms. I thought about putting the baby into Aiden’s arms and walking away from them both, never to turn back. I thought about years down the line how I knew I’d still be wondering and yearning to see it, and I knew that I couldn’t do it.
I got up and got another cup of coffee. Taking it outside again I sat down and thought about Aiden’s wounds and wondered if they could be healed if he were to fall in love again. I wondered if having a woman in his life that adored him and would be loyal and dedicated no matter what could chip away at those scars until they were eventually gone. I came to the conclusion that I believed to be the correct one although it wasn’t what I had wanted it to be: Aiden was like a bird with a snapped wing. He could be fixed, his wounds weren’t fatal, only crippling. But by what or whom he could be fixed was another story. I really didn’t think I was capable of doing that. I wasn’t strong enough. I’d been trying to change my mother for years, and look at her…
I showered and dressed and decided that I would tell him at breakfast. My chest ached at the thought of having to give him up. I’d let myself get too attached. But it had to be done and I was going to do it this morning if I had to beat myself into it. The longer I dragged it out the more at risk my own heart became. I don’t believe that having a baby for him will heal him and I don’t believe he would ever fall in love with me. If I walk away now, I’m doing us both a favor.
I had just picked up my purse and was ready to leave for my breakfast date with Aiden when my phone began ringing. I felt sick to my stomach when I looked at the caller I.D. It said, “Memorial Hospital.” I knew it was about my mother before I picked it up.
“Hello.”
“Hello, is this Holly Valentine?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Miss Valentine this is Bridgette Baxter. I’m a social worker here at Memorial Hospital. We have your mother here and you’re listed as her emergency contact.”
“Yes, what’s happened? Is she okay?”
“I was hoping you could come down and we could talk in person, you, me and the physician. Your mother is okay, for now physically, I don’t want you to worry about that. But we really need to talk about a long term plan.”
“Of course,” I told the lady. “I’ll be right down.” I called Aiden then and got his voicemail. I left him a message that I had to take care of a family issue and I would give him a call when I was finished. Then I called a cab and headed to the hospital to see what kind of trouble my mother had gotten herself into now.