It's called being volatile. Fucking unpredictable, and unstable.So when things spiraled beyond anyone's control, it made me crack.
I'm watching Candace now, and I'm pissed at myself and the situation I've created.This shit isn't to do with enemies or any of the fucked-up stuff we've encountered over the years.It's about me. It's about us.Me and her.
I knew it wouldn't be easy seeing her again, but fuck, this is hard.
Candace sets her purse down and leans against the wall.Resting her head back, she closes her eyes and that luscious hair I want to touch runs down her arms.
What is she thinking?
Of him?
Of me?
I used to be able to tell, now I don’t know, and it serves me right.Perfect punishment. How dare I think I could have it all?I can’t.
I wanted to fix myself and clean up.Stop using drugs and putting people I love in danger.
No matter what anyone tells me, I know I had to leave home, simply because I was on a self-destructive mission that would have killed me, and I nearly killed her.No one will know about the mask of pretense I wore daily, pretending I was fine, and I was the Dominic they were all used to.The guy who could get anything done.
My decision to leave was a difficult one, and this is the price I paid.
I wish like fuck I could march right over to her and find some magical way of fixing us.
Instead, I have that fucked up out of control feeling again that stems from not being able to have my own handle on the shit that keeps hitting the fucking fan.
I can’t push when it comes to Candace, but it’s in my nature to push, so I’m screwed.
What I want is for her to talk to me.I want to argue. I want to fight.I want to do something more than the nothing we’re doing because it’s driving me fucking crazy.
That damn night I shot her is stuck in my head.It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I finally fall asleep at night.
Every night I try to save her.In the seven hundred and sixty nights I’ve spent away, I’ve thought of seven hundred and sixty different ways of saving her.
My imaginary attempts haven’t stopped in the two nights I’ve spent at home, and I doubt tonight will be any different.
I keep going back to that moment when the bullet left the gun, then realizing that wasn’t the fucking problem.The point at which I needed to return was where I’d taken too much drugs.More than the usual dose.
That night I’d found myself looking at pictures of my father, then the grief took me hard.I sought solace in a stash of cocaine.I knew the moment I'd taken too much.It screwed with my mind within seconds.I started mouthing off about shit and shooting up the place with Massimo, Tristan, Candace, and Isabella right there in the room.A bullet ricocheted off the wall and hit Candace.That’s what happened.
I can just imagine how her father turned in his grave when the bullet struck her.At that moment I heard the caution he gave me, loud and clear.The caution and reminder of who I was, and who he didn't want his daughter to end up with.
The horror of that memory will forever haunt me.Especially after all she'd been through with her parents.She survived death the night they died, and I almost finished the job.
I was fully prepared to go to jail, but when the cops got involved, she insisted on not pressing charges because it was an accident.
Because of who I am, the cops would have had a field day.They've been looking to put me behind bars for years.All my hacking abilities and skills to make shit shine haven't gone unnoticed.They just don't have anything they can pin on my ass that will stick.I would have gone to jail though for Candace because I deserved it.
I’m pulled from the darkness of the memories when she opens her eyes and pushes away from the wall.
She sets her bag down on the floor, kicks off her shoes, and slides the zipper down the side of her dress.
When she takes the stairs, and the dress slips down her body, my cock hardens.
As she steps out of the silky fabric leaving just her bra and thong, I wonder if I’m seriously going to stand here and continue watching.
When she turns and I glimpse her perfect ass in that lacy black thong, I know there’s no point questioning what I will and won’t do.There’s nothing honorable about me anymore.
I won’t pretend to be something I’m not, and while I have a heart, it doesn’t mean it’s not dark.It doesn’t mean the coldness that has entered me will stop the arousal that’s clawing through me for a woman I want to fuck and can’t.