Jesus Christ, that’s not what I want to hear but she’s right. “I’d let it be. I wouldn’t chase him at all. Fuck… I’ve never chased a man in my life.”
I haven’t. This one’s the first and he’s driving me crazy. His signals are completely mixed up and I don’t know what to do besides give up.
“Rachel you’ve never chased any guy and I don’t think you should start now. No matter who he is.” Jia nods her dark head and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
“That’s just the problem though,” Giselle cuts in before I can answer.
“What part?” I ask.
“Who he is,” she says. “Dante is the guy you’ve been into since forever. You’ve never chased a man but he’s the exception to the rule. I’m going to say that it does look like something’s happened. It’s odd that he won’t even go get coffee with you.”
I sigh and gaze on at her. then I look to Jia who seems to be in agreement with her now.
“I don’t know what happened. It’s been months of it. Do you think he’s still hung up on his ex.”
Giselle shakes her head. “This is the kind of behavior I’d expect if he was still with her. Not after the break up.”
God…maybe I should just give up. This is a thing that’s plagued me all my life.
It was hard growing up and fantasizing about him. I used to conjure up so many things in my mind, of all the ways we’d end up together, somehow someway.
But perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe it’s me who wanted to see things that weren’t there and make shit up to give myself hope where there was none in the first place.
“Rachel…” Giselle stretches her hand across the table and takes mine. “Have you actually told him how you feel? I mean in those words so there’s no room for confusion.”
I shake my head. “I haven’t told him and I don’t know if I can. I’m scared of what that might do to us. If he knows and he doesn’t want me I’d feel so foolish. It would break me. This madness is almost better than the fear of hearing him say that he doesn’t want me.”
Giselle’s shoulders slump. “Rachel… here’s what I think. You need to tell him. you need to actually tell him. Do it or forget about it. If you don’t do it then this thing today is just going to be one more thing to add to the craziness.”
I continue to stare at her, processing her advice.
I can’t keep on like this and what’s worse is Dad keeps pushing Allen on me. That was why he was the way he was during the meeting this morning. That was why he came back for me at lunch time and continued his pursuit, and that was why he told me he loved my game of playing hard to get and would thoroughly enjoy getting in my pants when I decide to let him in.
What an asshole.
“You’re right. Both of you are right and I’m sorry to burden you with this shit again.”
“It’s not a burden,” Jia says with a warm smile. “Who else are you going to talk to if you don’t talk to us.”
“Exactly,” Giselle adds. “Besides, Rachel, we’ve always been fascinated about this thing you’ve had with Dante. He’s gorgeous and I swear every time we see him he looks better and better. Have you ever thought though that maybe he’s just being careful because of your father.”
I shrug. I honestly don’t know. I have no idea now. It’s a good point. I guess I’ve been so stuck in my fantasy of being with him that I never thought about how not only Dad would feel, but Mom too.
They’ll think he’s too old for me although I don’t care about that. I might have when I was younger. Definitely when I was sixteen and right up to eighteen. Maybe even my very early twenties. But I’m twenty-six now, a woman in her own right. I can be with a man who’s twenty years older than me if I want to.
But not if he’s avoiding me.
“I don’t know. That’s the answer. I don’t actually care about that. My father is a control freak and he has no right to that part of my life.”
“You might not care, but maybe Dante does.”
This is ridiculous and I can’t keep doing this to myself. I have to get my act together. To do that I think that means I have to forget Dante.
He doesn’t want me. That’s the answer. There’s no point speculating or even planning to tell him how I feel when the answer is obvious.
He doesn’t want me.