Chapter Seven
Helen
Leo is everything I want in a Daddy. Only now is what I want in a Daddy so clear. Before Leo, things were amorphous, but now they have clear and very defined characteristics. I understand exactly what it is I’m supposed to do to be a good little girl for him, and all those things involve him helping me to be the woman I want to be.
It’s really breathtaking.
I realize this may be the first time in my life I actually feel confident. It is certainly the happiest I have ever been, and I am constantly amazed by that. Part of what makes it feel so special is that I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was before Leo. Now I do.
I wake every morning looking forward to the day and no longer fear I’ll screw something up along the way. I practice focusing as a normal part of my day now, and not just when I’m at the wall before my shift. I notice my mind wandering now before it wanders very far. I feel present in my life for the first time, and it feels wonderful.
Despite the wonder and excitement of my new life, I still have some struggles. Leo helps me to face my insecurity about my appearance. He recognizes it as important for me to address, although he admits he can’t understand how I can be insecure. He says I am absolutely beautiful. I have no doubt he sees me that way, and that is another special thing.
One thing he does, for which I’m particularly grateful, is insist I go on playdates. I remember now how much I love coloring parties or watching movies with other little girls, how they help me to find little space, that mental outlook that drives away worry and gives me a chance to just exist for a while without any cares or worries.
Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I actually like myself. I am not a loser. I am not a disaster waiting to happen. I am a vibrant girl, talented and effective. I know all this now because Leo makes sure I see it. Instead of wasting time bemoaning my flaws, if I notice one that I need to address, I go to my Daddy and he makes a plan for me.
Of course, he also helps me to see when something I think is a flaw might not be one at all.
I am thinking of these things on my day off. I’m not at my apartment because Leo thinks I should have real days off, which means getting away from the club. He pays for a nice hotel room for me every day off, and there is something wonderful about that.
A knock comes at the door and I know it’s Leo. He is the only one who knows where I am. I leap up and giggle my way to the door and the second I see him, I squeal, “Daddy!” and throw my arms around him.
He holds me tightly and then lifts me up and twirls around. He is so big and strong he makes me feel like a little girl, not just emotionally but physically as well.
“So, what are you doing on your day off, pretty princess?” he asks.
I blush when he calls me that and say, “For right now, I’m doing whatever Daddy wants to do.”
He lifts me up, holding onto my waist with his big hands so I am above him, and I lean down to kiss him. I can smell the woodsy, spicy beard oil he uses, and I love it.
He finally puts me down and says, “Are you happy, little girl?”
“I’m always happy when Daddy is here,” I say with a giggle.
He smiles and says, “I just mean in general, honey.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask as I notice the sadness behind his eyes. “Did I do something?”
He shakes his head. “You didn’t do anything at all, darling. I just want to know if you’re happy.” He smiles, reaches out, and strokes my cheek. The feel of his fingertips on my skin is lovely.
I nod and say, “Daddy, I get happier every single day because of you.” I step forward, lift myself on tiptoes, and kiss his cheek. “I haven’t ever been as happy as I am now.” It may be the truest thing I have ever said. “I’m happy because of you, Daddy.”
He smiles but the sadness is still there, and I wonder if he’s finally come to his senses about me, if he’s ready to break up. It’s terrifying, but I haven’t any idea what to say or do. I almost tell him I love him, but I worry it might appear to be manipulation. Also, I worry that it might actually be manipulation.
I can tell he’s manufacturing the enthusiasm when he says, “I say we go get incredibly unhealthy greasy, salty food we’ll regret eating after we’re done.” As he says it, though, his eyes get a little better and that makes me feel good.
I giggle and say, “Let’s go give ourselves something to regret!”
A moment later, we’re in the car, and even though I can’t shake the sense of impending heartache, I love being with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and he is everything I’ve ever needed. Time and time again, I want to tell him I love him.
And time and time again, I don’t.
What is wrong with my Daddy? What is troubling him and hurting him? I ask myself repeatedly as we drive to the diner. I keep asking myself even as we have enormous hamburgers, cheese fries, and onion rings. I keep asking myself as we go to a soft-serve ice cream place for double dipped cones, and I keep asking myself as he brings me back to the hotel.
I ask myself as we watch a silly comedy movie and try to deal with the regrets over the unhealthy food. I ask myself as he fades to sleep in the second movie and I even ask myself as I move down and give him a blowjob when the movie ends. I’m thrilled with his sleepy response and I hope when I finish that he slips into pleasant dreams.
But I still ask myself what is wrong with my Daddy. I still ask myself what is troubling him and hurting him. I rest my head on his chest as he slowly slips into sleep again and I pull the blankets up onto us. The feel of his body so close to mine is wonderful. It is right and it is beautiful, but the question still plagues me and frightens me.
The problem is, I’m pretty sure I know the answer. What’s wrong with him is that he knows this relationship isn’t going to work and he’s trying to deal with breaking up with me. I’m a handful and he’s finally reached his fill of me. He’s trying to figure out how to let me down gently but there’s just no doubt at all that he’s got to let me down.
What else could it be?