Rollie looks like she’s going to explode, and she can’t wait. She blurts out, “I’m pregnant!”
Helen squeals and instantly the two of them are right next to each other on the bench, giggling and laughing and, I think, planning an entire remodel of two of the rooms at Carl and Rollie’s house. I congratulate Carl and the mood is jovial and excited. Our food arrives and I tell the waitress the announcement. That leads to a big announcement and everyone cheers.
It’s festive and wonderful, the kind of celebration that people at this restaurant have all the time, a celebration of people they don’t even know but that stems from the shared experience and excitement of life in general. I’m happy for Carl. I’m happy for Rollie. I’m happy for the way Helen is filled with joy.
And I’m dying inside.
I hide it from the others, but my mind is simply filled up with thoughts of my last little girl, the one who got pregnant by another man.
How can things work out with Helen?
I’ve failed as a Daddy twice before!
How in the world can I succeed now?
Unfortunately, the answers don’t come, and I can’t be left alone with my thoughts because of the celebration dinner for Carl and Rollie and their upcoming addition to the family. So, the thoughts just rage in the background while I smile and talk.
I tell myself Rollie is different, but it doesn’t help because the problem isn’t Rollie. The problem is me. My little girl is perfect, and she’s growing every day, becoming more of who she wants to be. She smiles instead of frowns, now. Her eyes show hope, not worry. She is everything I could ever want and need.
But I’m just Leo.
I’m the man who somehow failed twice before and vowed I would never risk failing again!
We make it through dinner and then ice cream. Carl drops us back at the club, which is winding down for the night. I manufacture an excuse about checking something at the bar, so when I drop her off at her apartment, I can kiss her goodnight and get away. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do whatever it is I should do.
I have spent a great deal of time helping Helen become centered and strong, to see past the noise so she can live the life she wants and deserves.
There is nobody to do that for me.