Chapter Four
Leo
A week passes, filled with thoughts of Helen. It feels crazy, actually. I have known her for a very long time and even though I don’t see her or interact with her any more often than before… it feels like my entire life is Helen now. When she arrives at work, I take note of her and don’t stop taking note of her until her shift is over. Honestly, I don’t ever stop taking note of her.
Thoughts of her fill my mind from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep. Actually, I dream of her, so thoughts of her fill my mind twenty-four hours a day. I do not understand how I am so consumed, when for years she was merely someone I knew, not any kind of romantic prospect at all.
She’s a little.
She’s a little girl, and I cannot understand why that simple fact didn’t make me notice her before.
I have not been a Daddy for quite a while, and though I have felt a desperate need to be a Daddy again, to find a little girl I could love, protect, and discipline, I believed myself unqualified. I had two relationships with littles, and neither ended well. The first simply left me one morning. She left a curt note and went to the other side of the country. I learned she was pregnant with another man’s child.
That relationship still haunts me, as does the second, a rebound. The second girl was sweet and beautiful, but now she has a Daddy who isn’t tentative and afraid of losing her. I can admit he is a better Daddy for her, but it still hurts to think I was a failure with two little girls.
Perhaps that is why I only now think of Helen romantically. Only now, because of circumstances, do I have some concrete evidence I can protect her.
I watch her every move with the customers at the club. I keep my eye on her, searching for potential trouble, and find myself truly enjoying the process. She is personable, beautiful, and part of what makes the club so special. She is also careless, and rarely comprehends how her behavior might lead to problems.
, When Rollie comes onto the stage one night, I am behind the bar, surveying the crowd. She is beautiful as always, and I glance at my best friend, Carl, the club owner. Rollie is his little, and he smiles proudly at me, knowing I and everyone else in the club think she’s gorgeous.
What he doesn’t know is how jealous I was when they first got together. Still, I don’t want Rollie. I just want a little. But even as I look at her admiringly, there’s no jealousy in my mind—only Helen.
Rollie starts her show by saying, “I’m going to start off with a song for my best friend. Helen, come on up here.”
The crowd cheers and Helen blushes, which makes her even cuter and more perfect. Helen reluctantly climbs on stage, and she blushes a deeper shade of red. That makes her more than cute and more than perfect. She is irresistible. Damn, I want her.
Rollie sings “You’ve Got a Friend” in her soulful voice, and the song is, like everything Rollie sings, breathtaking. The audience joins in for the chorus:
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
They both look radiant, but I have eyes only for Helen. If she calls out my name, I’ll damned well be there--but I’m not looking to be a friend. I want so much more. I can’t really wrap my head around a damned thing except my utter obsession with her.
“You’ve got it hard,” Carl says. I turn to look at him, surprised I didn’t hear him come over.
“What?”
He smiles. “You know exactly what I mean,” He puts two shot glasses in front of us and pours from the good bottle. He slides one my direction and says, “Get off your ass and get what you want.”
I lift the shot to my lips and down it. The tequila is smooth and strong. I put the shot glass down and say, “It’s not that simple, Carl.”
“Oh, I know,” he says. He downs his shot and puts it on the bar. “I know. After all, you’re just so beaten up from your last little girls. You really ought to just give up and live a life of complete unhappiness. After all, a loser like you doesn’t deserve any joy at all. You’re fucking useless.”
“Jesus,” I say. “What the hell, man?”
He chuckles and says, “So you recognize how much an asshole thing it is for someone to say that to you, but you don’t recognize it when you say it to yourself every goddam day?” He nods toward Helen. “That little girl doesn’t just need a Daddy. That little girl needs you for her Daddy, and you need to get past your little self-pity party and do something about it.”