EIGHT
Rip
I called Banks first thing in the morning, to let him know I wouldn’t be coming in and that I was loaning Colby my office. She seemed genuinely excited to borrow it, but as I well knew, Colby’s excitement could sometimes backfire. I didn’t want Banks to get blindsided by her chaos, as humorous as that would be—for me at least.
He didn’t deserve that level of terror.
He answered on the first ring and yawned loudly into the phone. “Yellow?”
I rolled my eyes. “Dad jokes only work when you’re a dad…”
He barked out a laugh. “Had a woman call me daddy last night—that counts, right?”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Thank you, I can tell that really came from the heart. Did you call me to shower me with compliments, or do you finally need your best friend for once? I’m great with kids. Could probably give Colby some etiquette lessons—in fact—”
“—Are you going to let me talk?” I cringed when I heard the pitter-patter of feet dashing across the downstairs floor followed by the sound of something breaking and then Colby yelling, “blue chair” and “time-out.” “Colby’s going to head over in a while to use my office.”
I hoped, fast as I said it, that he’d only catch half of what I said because, let’s be honest, he had the attention span of a fly. Instead he was quiet on the other end of the phone.
A rarity.
Miracle, really.
“Are you sick?” he finally asked, his voice incredulous.
“What?” I pulled back and stared at my phone, then put it back to my ear. “No, I’m not sick.”
“Ohhhh, then you’re working from home today?”
“No, well, I mean, I’ll attempt to, but no. I came home last night to a disaster of one kid thinking she had live chickens in her stomach—long story—the other taunting her that she was going to die—even longer story—and the entire house in ruin. Colby was on the verge of tears and needs to hit her blog deadlines, whatever that means, so I offered her my office and we agreed to swap places for a week.”
Banks burst out laughing and then sobered. “Oh shit. You’re serious?”
“Of course I’m serious! Once she sees how—”
“Don’t finish that sentence, bro. Actually, you know what? Let me just put you on speakerphone so every single parent within a ten-mile radius can hear you make an ass of yourself.”
“Hilarious.”
“I thought so. Anyway, seems like you need me.”
“What would I need you for?” Seriously, Banks was more full of himself than usual today. “I can take care of both kids successfully and keep the house clean and keep my sanity.”
Banks sputtered into the phone. “Do you even know how to change a diaper? Furthermore, are you aware of the consistency of toddler poo?”
Why had I called him again? “Look, I’ll manage just fine. I’m sure it’s not that difficult. Colby’s just never been very good at…”
Banks cut me off. “So you haven’t changed a diaper yet?”
I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. “No, not really.”
“It’s a yes-or-no question.”
“I’m at work all day! And she just, you know… gets there faster.”
“Ah, seems fair.”