I drag an agitated hand through my hair and gulp down the acid coating my windpipe.
“I thought that victory was important to you, Kayden. I thought we were in agreement on that,” I say weakly.
Kayden snakes a warm hand over my cheek, unable to keep himself from touching me. I can feel the volatile emotions radiating from his body as his face leans into mine.
The pressure in my gut momentarily turns into flutters as his fingers slide over my skin, but I can’t seem to fully enjoy it knowing that him touching me like this is his way of saying good-bye.
“You’re more important to me than any other fucking thing in this godforsaken world,” he murmurs. He reaches for my hand and takes it in his grasp, lifting it to kiss the inside of my palm. “I live for you, Sienna. Only you.”
“Then why are you leaving?” I whisper back, choking back a sob.
Kayden takes a reluctant step away. My body shivers at his absence, detoxing from a substance I’ve been hooked on for weeks. I want him close to me. It’s the only reassurance that we’re on the same page. Now he feels so far away and nothing—not even me begging—feels like it’s going to make the slightest of difference.
A dark look toughens his features as Kayden looks at me again. “I didn’t plan for you to get hurt, Sienna. Watching you take that hit meant for me crushed my fucking soul.
You can’t be with someone who’d put you in harm’s way like that.”
“You had no control over the situation, you know that.”
I rasp. “I made that decision to save you from Jax. I was the one who stepped in to protect you. You couldn’t have known I would do that.”
“If I didn’t throw that fight then you wouldn’t have gotten hit by Jax and you wouldn’t have been in my arms, unconscious,” he fires back. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to live or not.”
“Of course I was going to live,” I say. “I’m right here in front of you now, aren’t I?”
“I didn’t know that. For all I knew, you were well on yourway to being dead! ” Large tears roll down the sides of his cheeks as he paces around the room. “You can’t fathom how it felt when you were limp in my arms. I told you before that the absolute last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.
Remember that?” I nod silently. His mouth twitches in disappointment. “Well, I did it anyway.”
“But you know damn well what happened with Jax wasn’t your fault!”
“But I could have prevented it from happening!” He slams a hard fist against the table, then grips its edge so hard that I’m certain he’s going tear a chunk of it off. A breath drags out of his mouth before his voice grows quiet again. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I shouldn’t have gone and thrown that fight without telling you. And the fucked-up thing is that you paid the price for it. Which just shows that I’m never going to escape who I was. I hurt everyone that I love. I’m not going to risk hurting you again. I’m not going to do it.”
Raw, unnerving pain rips holes across my chest at the realization that he feels responsible for hurting me because he’s convinced himself that everything terrible that has happened in his life is a direct result of his selfishness.
But I wish he could see what I see.
That he’s the most selfless, amazing man I’ve ever known.
“You won’t,” I say with a determined set to my jaw.
“Because it won’t happen again.”
“It will if I stick around.” A crack wobbles in Kayden’s voice. “I promised myself that I would protect you and I broke that promise. Just like . . . ” He stops himself midway but I already know what he’s going to say.
Just like how I broke Clarissa’s promise.
“No. Please don’t say that.” A massive knot tightens around my throat, and I swallow against the painful ache, but it does nothing to relieve it. He shakes his head and shuffles to his bed to resume his packing. I launch myself at him again, my eyes burning with more tears as I try to stop him. “Please. Stop packing and listen to me! Yes, you said you’d protect me but I wanted to protect you too! We’ve got each other’s backs, remember? So you’re punishing me for protecting you in that cage?”
“I’m not punishing you. I’m relieving you,” he mutters, zipping the duffel bag closed and looping the strap over one shoulder.
He walks out of his room. I follow after him, rife with purposeful determination not to let this conversation end.
Because if it does, then we do too. And I can’t even begin to muster that harrowing thought. I just fucking can’t.
“STOP IT, PLEASE! Stop talking like that!” I blink back the well of tears threatening to fall from my eyes but they spill over anyway, clouding my vision and making it impossible to make out the features of his face that I desperately want to see. I manage to catch him right before he leaves through the main door. “So you’re gonna leave? Just like that?” I ask incredulously. “You’re the strongest, most determined person in that cage but when you’re outside of it, giving up is like second nature to you. Why? Why can’t you face me?
Why can’t you face yourself?”