My palms felt clammy as I clenched them in an attempt to curb my nerves. Left with little choice, I followed after Dimitri, half running to catch-up with him, and when he finally stopped, it was at the bottom of a long stretch of ladder-like steps that were braced against the exterior of the silo.
He smirked at me, gesturing me forward, “After you, Bambi.”
The wrought iron rungs stretched towards the top of the silo, and I could just make the shadowy figures of the men on top. The golden haze of the sunset skittered across the sky, and I had the morbid thought of Olek getting to see the sunset one last time. I knew what game Dimitri was playing at. He wanted me to look at the ladder, acknowledge that I was in a dress and heels, and admit that climbing it was impossible. He wanted to win.
I smiled at him, and stepped forward, placing one wedged heel in front of the other, using my arms to pull me up. “Don’t look up my dress,” I called over my shoulder. I heard a string of profanity leave his lips as he followed behind me, but I couldn’t concentrate on Dimitri and his manipulative games, I couldn’t even look down. All I could do was keep moving. The higher I climbed, the more my hands shook, and at one point I had to stop - just for a moment - just to find that inner strength of mine to keep me moving forward, but this time that voice was silent, and it was Dimitri who offered me words of encouragement.
“I’m right behind you,” He spoke almost gently, “just don’t look down and you’ll be fine.” I inhaled, imagining that courage was something one could simply breathe in - specks of it floating in the air. And so when I took a breath, I opened my lungs wide and breathed deep, and kept moving forward - or up.
When I neared the top, one of Dimitri’s men offered me his open palm, and I clasped my hand in his, allowing him to pull me up onto the roof. Dimitri was a step behind me, and once I no longer felt as if I was going to pass out, I glanced around to take in my surroundings.
“You should have just remained on the ground,” Dimitri berated.
“And you should have told me that we were climbing up a ladder attached to the side of the building so that I could at least change my shoes!” I countered.
“It wouldn’t have made a difference,” he stepped closer to me, engulfing me in his scent of musk and spice, “not when you have a fear of heights.”
“Fears can be overcome,” I jutted my chin out in defiance. I knew that I was acting like a child. I knew that I was being impetulant, but there was something about Dimitri that riled that part of me up - the part that was not satisfied by maintaining the status quo and towing the line.
“What are you trying to prove?” He demanded, his grip on my chin tight as he tilted my head up towards his, forcing me to make eye contact. I swallowed, unable to formulate a response - because really, what was there to say?
His gaze searched my own as if he could find the answers he sought in the depths of my soul. The roof of the grain silo seemed to fade into the background as I answered his searing gaze with one of my own. Dimitri was filled with his own secrets.
Releasing me from his grip as if what he sought only a moment ago had somehow burnt him, he dismissed me, glancing over at his men. That dismissal stung more than it should have - as if he had found me wanting in some way. It shouldn’t matter, but somehow, it did.
The roof was small and cramped with all of us up there. A large, round opening sat in the middle of the roof, the darkness emanating from it smelt of grain, calling forth images of sun-kissed wheat fields swaying as if in dance in the breeze. The light wind tickled the fine hairs that curled at the base of my neck and I shivered at how cool it had suddenly become. One of Dimitri’s men noticed the goosebumps covering my arms. He glanced once at Dimitri before shrugging out of his own jacket and sliding it over my shoulders.
The gesture caught me so off guard that I flashed him a grateful smile, momentarily forgetting what the purpose of us being up here, on top of a roof, actually was. He smiled ruefully back at me. He was boyish and somewhat cute.
“Stepen,” Dimitri’s barked command cut through the chilled air.
If his icy tone hadn’t indicated his displeasure, the scowl marking his features did. Stepen dipped his head and took two whole steps before he was once again by Dimitri’s side. Perhaps cramped was an understatement.
Olek’s legs and hands were bound. He was no longer glaring at Dimitri and his men, rather, it seemed that he had made peace with what was to come. I braced myself for the gunshots, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what they did next. In a move so swift, I would have missed it if I had simply blinked too long, they hoisted Olek into the belly of the grain silo, dropping him into the inner chamber below.
And for a moment, I was so optimistically naive that I thought perhaps they would let him live - that this entire ordeal was simply a scare tactic. But then, one of Dimitri’s men pulled down on a large lever, and the sour taste of understanding coated the roof of my mouth as grain poured into the inner chamber - on top of Olek. He was going to suffocate slowly, crushed by the weight of the grain raining on top of him.
The death was unceremonious. I somehow expected more - expected to feel more. Instead, I stood there like the naive girl I was clutching someone’s jacket around my shoulders, shivering for reasons other than the cold.
The taking of one’s life - or even the witnessing thereof, should leave you feeling more than simple awareness that something - or someone - was once there, and now wasn’t. I struggled with my non-feelings. I thought I would weep, or scream, or shout. If I had a more dramatic nature, perhaps I would beat against Dimitri’s chest, calling him a bastard and every other name I could think of. But I didn’t feel the loss, rather I felt Olek’s acceptance, and so I was numb to all the emotions I should have felt.
I didn’t protest on my way down. Stepen went before, whilst the second remained behind me - a safety precaution to assist me in the event that I slipped. I didn’t even notice the height during my descent, all I could think about was that while I was climbing down these stairs, Olek was inside the silo taking his last breath.
It took me a moment to fully understand that I had climbed down rung-by-rung and was now on solid ground.
“What will happen to him?” My voice was void of any emotion, and perhaps that was the most telling sign of all.
Dimitri glared at me, “One of my men will remove him from the silo in the morning and take his body to the lake in the reserve.”
“Why the reserve?”
Dimitri began walking back towards the direction we had initially arrived from, the sky darkening quickly. Stepen shot me a sad look, shaking his head once as if to convey a message. Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answers to.
Dimitri’s men seemed to peel away, dipping into the darkness, while I was left with Dimitri himself.
“You ask too many questions,” he barked over his shoulder, leading the way back towards the car.
I was left with no other choice than to follow after him, my feet working on autopilot, striding after him.