There is a knock at my door, but I don’t acknowledge it. Whoever is on the other side knows I won’t tell them to come in which is why I hear the door begin to open, and I roll over onto my side and pretend to sleep. If I close my eyes long enough, maybe the darkness will just consume me completely. Whenever I manage to fall asleep, I see Emmett in my dreams. Some are memories from the past, others are wishes for what our future would have looked like.
The bottom of the bed dips as my brother sits down. I can tell it’s him because it’s not large enough of a dip to be my father, and my mom always makes such a commotion when she comes in here.
Zach has been gone the past the two days, back in Philly to take his exams. His professors let him push them back a week since there was a death in the family. I heard him come home earlier when he and my dad were talking just outside my room. I feel his hand on my ankle, but he doesn’t say anything, just leaves his hand there. This is his way of letting me know he’s here without saying anything since he thinks I’m sleeping. Actually no, he probably knows I’m not sleeping, just avoiding conversation. I don’t open my eyes to look at him, but I can hear his heart breaking, as mine has. The only difference is that mine is fully shattered. The more days that pass without Emmett break it even more.
Moments pass before either of us say anything. Zach squeezes my leg and says, “I know you don’t want to do anything, but Mom has been cooking downstairs all day, and the Hankses will be here soon. Mom would really like it if you came down for your birthday dinner.”
I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. My parents have forced me to eat but have at least been nice enough to not make me come downstairs to eat meals with them. It always amazes and confuses the hell out of me when people think food is what people want when someone dies. I overheard Mom say that there were nine lasagnas delivered to the Hanks house. If they feel anything like I do, then I imagine most of that food is going to waste.
I guess my luck has run out since they are forcing me to come join them to celebrate this stupid day. There was a time when my birthday was so special, my parents always made sure it was separated from Christmas, and then later Emmett made a huge deal out of it since our anniversary was just right before. December used to be my favorite month; it brought me such joy with my birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary. Now it is just a reminder of all I lost and will never have again.
Maybe if I continue to ignore Zach he will just leave me alone, but highly unlikely. I decide to just pull the cover my head so he’ll get the hint. I think I’ve won when I feel him get up off the bed and expect him to leave. Instead he crouches down close to my face and pulls the cover back. My eyes are swollen and red still. I haven’t showered in a few days, and I’m wearing one of Em’s old T-shirts. I haven’t worn this one yet, so it still smells of him faintly. His clothes are mainly what I wear now—anything to feel him close to me again. Zach places one hand on mine and strokes my hair back off my face with the other one.
“Hey, look at me.” I don’t want to open my eyes again to see him. “Please, Danielle, look at me.”
Slowly, I open my eyes and meet his blue eyes. My brother and I look so much alike, I understand why people think we are twins.
“Please, just come down for dinner, and then you can come back up right after. But you’ve shut us all out, and this is one day that I am asking—no, I’m not asking, I’m begging you to not shut us out. We are all dealing with this as a family, getting through this together, and you are making it difficult.”
I go to speak, but he cuts me off, cupping my cheek. “I know you’re hurting—and trust me, I get it, Dani, I fucking get it—but shutting us out isn’t going to fix this. Now I suggest you get your ass up in the shower and change your clothes and join us downstairs. Don’t think about it being your birthday, just a dinner with us all together.”
He rises and stalks out the door, closing it a little harder than even he possibly expected
, causing me to jump from where I’m lying on the bed. Together…Zach said it would be us all together, but he lied. We will never all be together again. I throw the cover back over my head and lose myself in the hollow of the darkness.
“Why, baby, why did you leave? You are supposed to be here. It’s my birthday…you used to tell me how important these were, and now it just doesn’t matter because you’re not here. Please come back.” My tears overwhelm me into sleep.
I feel the bed dip and the chill of the air as the blanket is pulled from my face. Blinking my eyes open from my nap, I expect to see my mom or Zach, but I see my best friend’s beautiful face. Her eyes are heavy with sadness like mine.
“Hey, birthday girl. I’m here to help.”
Help? How can she help me? She can’t bring back her brother. She crawls up the bed and snuggles in next to me wrapping her arm around me how Em used to.
“I know today sucks—fuck, every day sucks—but please come downstairs. I’m worried about you.”
How can she be so selfless that she is worried about me? It has been only eight days since her brother was placed in the ground. “Your mom made chicken Parmesan, my mom’s recipe. She knows you love it. And we picked up a triple-chocolate cake from Annette’s. Come on, D, let me help you get a shower and dressed and then go down. I have a feeling our parents aren’t opposed to coming up here and eating in bed with you. I sure as hell know Zach and I aren’t. If you don’t want to shower, that’s fine too, but I think it might make you feel better.”
Haylee wraps her arms tighter around me. “I miss him too. I miss him so much. I’m so angry still. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I walk past his door and expect to see him standing in the doorway smiling at me even though he hasn’t even lived at home for months. I know it’s crazy but…”
She doesn’t continue, but I can feel the back of my neck getting wet with her tears.
“Okay.” I say it as a soft whisper but loud enough for her to hear me. I can’t sit here and listen to my best friend cry. I sit up and she follows. She throws her arm over my shoulders and leans her head against mine.
“We are somehow going to get through this. I haven’t fucking figured out how, but maybe we can figure that out together. I’m not ready to get through tomorrow or the next day, but how ’bout we just start with dinner, birthday girl?”
I nod my head, and she smiles at me. “Come on, stinky. You’re smellin’ pretty ripe, like the guys’ gym-bag-level stinky, and we know I can’t handle that.”
Her comment makes me laugh. I actually laugh for the first time since the accident. The memory of Haylee throwing up literally after I dared her to smell one of the guys’ gym bag comes to mind, and I actually fall over laughing.
“Come on, it’s not funny. That was so gross! I can’t believe you actually made me do that.”
“Hey, I didn’t make you do anything, Hails. Not my fault you can’t refuse a dare.”
After a few more minutes of laughter, we both wipe our tears away. I instantly feel guilty for our laughter just now since Emmett will no longer laugh, no longer reminisce over memories, no longer sit on this bed with me or have his arm around his sister. My tears turn from happy to sad. I look back at my pillow, and Haylee can sense my hesitation.
Before I can go back under the covers, she hops up and grabs my hand. “Oh no you don’t. Shower, missy—now!”
Haylee smacks my ass while pushing me into my bathroom. I close the door behind me, turn the shower on, and strip out of my clothes before stepping in. I let the warm water run down my hair and face, hoping it will drown me. At least in the shower I can’t see my tears as they mix with the water. I hear the door hit the wall stopper, and I know that Haylee is sitting in the doorway. I don’t need to look out the curtain to confirm; it was always our thing. No need to stop our conversation just because the other needed to shower, although there was one time I was not alone and she started talking to me, and it almost got very awkward. Lucky for me and Emmett, he remained quiet till she got a phone call and left. I am also glad she didn’t reveal any crazy secrets that day. I’m pretty sure if she would’ve brought up boys, kissing, or sex, Emmett would have made it known he was in the shower with me.