I fight the sleep overcoming me, feeling as if I need to be back in that moment, but it’s too late. I’ve been too long without sleep, and some part of me accepts that rest is necessary. I don’t know how long that darkness consumes me before there’s an awareness in me, something that jolts me to a sitting position. The room is still dimly lit by the side table lamp and Luke is sitting up staring at me.
“What are you doing, Ana?”
“I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Talk to me?” he asks. “What did you want to say? Did you want to tell me I’m a monster? Or a killer? Because I already know.” He stands up and walks toward the bathroom.
I have two options. Let him go. Or go after him. I go after him. As I told myself when I came back downstairs, this back and forth ends here and now.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ana
I find Luke leaning on the bathroom counter, his chin forward, his shoulders bunched. I don’t even hesitate. I slide under his arm, between him and the counter, and wrap my arms around him. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t touch me. He just stares down at me. “What are you doing, Ana?”
“You asked me that about two minutes ago. I love you, too. I should have said that in the shower.”
He catches my wrists and holds them between us, and when he touches me there is an ocean of emotion washing over me. “I know you love me, Ana,” he says softly, but there is nothing tender in the words.
“But sometimes love isn’t enough, right?” I challenge. “I heard what you said to Adam. You aren’t leaving me again. You gave me your word.”
“And I was wrong to do so. You will never get over what happened.”
“Of course, I won’t, and neither will you. But we can deal with it together.”
“You said you would never—”
“Judge you? I was defensive over Kurt. It was a horrible mistake to bring up your past. This is an extreme situation we’ve lived together. I can’t ever apologize enough for that. It will never happen again. Just like you will never leave again. Right?”
His jaw flexes at the same time his fingers flex on my skin. “You don’t know how to be with or without me. What do I do with that?”
“That was me dealing with this with you, Luke. That was me finally getting the chance to work through this with you. Because you’re here. But when you left, I didn’t get to be anything but angry and alone. Why didn’t you just let me be angry and get it over with?”
“Angry at me for what?”
“Angry in general. You could have been angry with me.”
“I was plenty angry. I still am. I can’t do this back and forth with you, Ana. I can’t. I’m in or out. I don’t know how to be in between and what you’re telling me is that that is exactly where you are right now.”
“No,” I say. “No, I am not in between. God, can you not just talk to me, work through this with me? I was wrong to even hint at your past. You are the most honorable, honest, loyal man I have ever known. I love you. I have been miserable without you. I trust you. I trust that you did what you had to do because I know Kasey was a fuck-up. I am his sister, I was his sister. I just—I wanted to save him.”
“And I didn’t save him,” he says flatly. “He would have killed that woman and me, Ana.” He releases me, scrubs the scruff on his jaw, curses, and exits the bathroom. My heart drums in my chest and I follow him, pausing in the doorway, when he’s already halfway across the room, to call out. “I am so glad you didn’t die that day. I thank God every day, Luke.”
He stops walking but he doesn’t turn. “I don’t want to live another day without you. Please don’t make me.”
Seconds tick by before he rotates to face me. “I can’t look into your eyes and see a monster every day of my life. We can’t go back.”
“There’s never been a day in this lifetime that I looked at you like a monster, not even the day I found out Kasey was dead.” I press my hands to the side of my face. “Luke. Don’t do this.” My hands flail to my sides. “I don’t know how to fix this. Can you please help me? Can you meet me halfway? Or maybe you can’t. Maybe it’s you who’s done and I’m a fool for not seeing it.”
Twisted in knots, I turn away from him and enter the bathroom. My knees are weak, and now it’s me grabbing the sink. I can’t breathe. I have faced criminals and gruesome scenes and I survived, but right now, I am not surviving at all. I need to pull it together. I need to find my white noise. I push off the sink and reach for the door, intending to shut it, when Luke appears in the doorway.