“They’ll stop soon. I’ll be fine.” I try to tug out of his hold.
“You keep diminishing your trauma.” He lets go of my hand and captures my gaze instead. “Why?”
My sigh is long and weary. Rubbing my eyes, I shrug. “Because I’m still here. I found out that someone died.” It wasn’t someone I knew well, but I saw the older man often and we always exchanged polite greetings. “I feel awful complaining about my problems when I’m alive. I wish my neighbor was as lucky.”
Rowan doesn’t respond for a while; he just stares at me. Finally, he says. “They’re your feelings and problems, Grace. You can’t be ashamed or afraid to talk about them. That’s the only way you’ll get past this.”
“It’s hard. I didn’t grow up in an environment where my feelings were validated. No one really listened.”
It’s my first time giving someone insight into my family dynamic and I’m afraid Rowan will think I’m ridiculous, complaining about my lack of family support as if I’m a child. It’s the concern in his voice that made me easily share.
“I’ll listen.”
I laugh, but it’s void of humor. “You saved my life and now you want to listen to me whine? No way.”
“Grace,” he reprimands. “I’m trying to help you here.”
“I know, and I’ve been trying to figure out why.”
“This again?” he asks with a hint of exasperation.
“Yes, this again. What’s going on here? With us?” I shove my fingers through my hair. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful. I’d just be more comfortable knowing why you care so much. I mean, who goes as far as you’ve gone to help a total stranger?” I look him in the eyes. “And I’d like an actual answer this time. You completely dodged when I asked the other day.”
Of course, he doesn’t respond.
Frustrated, I tell him, “My entire life is clouded by uncertainty right now. I wish you’d just tell me the truth about why you’re helping me. Put my mind at ease about something.”
Rowan’s jaw is clenched, and I pin him with a beseeching stare. His stiff shoulders relax with a sigh. “You’re special.”
The words linger between us as we have a staredown.
“You had me intrigued the moment we met. I want everyone to survive dangerous situations, but I’ve never wanted someone to pull through the way I wanted you to.” He pauses, still holding my gaze. “Honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I took that as a sign that I should help you in any way I can.”
My defenses crumble, piece by piece, while I search his face. That earlier suspicion seeps away because I hear the same sincerity I heard in his voice the night he rescued me. When he told me he wouldn’t leave me.
Any moment now, I’ll burst into grateful tears and embarrass myself. “Um, that’s...” I clear my throat. “Thank you.”
He nods and opens his mouth to say something, but I lean forward and plant my mouth on his. I didn’t think before I acted. Rowan goes still and so do I.
Oh god.
He doesn’t want this. Panic washes over me. I think I’ve just humiliated myself. Again.