There was something about her words that unsettled my stomach. It was the artlessness of them. Sarah and I had never discussed our sexual histories. Mine was pretty desolate for the last five years or so. I mean, I hooked up with a woman here or there but nothing like what I was feeling for Sarah. But what was Sarah’s sexual history? Why didn’t we ever talk about that?
She was really whispering now. “I… um… don’t have a lot of sexual experience, but I want to be wild and crazy with you. This afternoon was...” Her eyes shifted up and she bit her lower lip, and I got the drift that she was remembering our time together, but the look on her face was too giddy, too innocent.
I don’t know how I knew. It was something in the tone of her voice, the naïveté, nervousness, and utter lack of seduction. She was trying to tell me she wanted to get dirty with me over and over again, but what I was hearing was that she hadn’t gotten dirty with anyone else. And then I just knew I’d taken Sarah Morgan's virginity in a dark mildew-smelling meter room. And I fucked her. I didn’t go slow. I wasn’t gentle. I pounded her hard, talked dirty, and left her when I was done.
She was still talking low. “I have this fantasy of doing it in a pool. Where can we find a pool?”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her down the ramp and around a corner.
“Where are we going?” There was excitement in her voice. She thought I was going to fuck her again.
When I was sure we were out of earshot, I spun on her. My tone was biting when I said, “You were a virgin.”
She blanched immediately, confirming my suspicion. But Sarah was always honest and not even close to a shrinking violet, so she balked at me.
“So?”
“So? That’s what you’re going to say,” I said quietly, but my voice was cold and bitter.
“Yes. So what if I was a virgin? Now I’m not. What’s the difference?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“What’s the difference?” I repeated incredulously.
“Horse, if it doesn’t matter to me, why does it matter to you?” she asked.
It mattered because I’d sullied her. She was perfect, unharmed by the fucking bullshit, and I’d sullied her with my fucked-up-ness. I’d let what I wanted overshadow what she needed.
“Jesus Christ, Sarah. We were in a closet. I didn’t even take my shoes off. That’s not how someone like you is supposed to do it for the first time.”
“What do you mean, someone like me? I loved what we did. It was perfect,” she argued.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. It should have been slow and sweet. With fucking candles and rose petals. Not raw and rough. I could have hurt you.”
Snidely, she said, “You didn’t, although you’re obviously trying to now.”
I was beside myself. She could never have that moment back. There were no do-overs in life. I knew that too well. How did I not see this? How did I let myself get involved with her? I should never have been with her in the first place. I was damaged goods. I’d told Kat that she was infinitely safe. I implied that I would protect her, but who would protect her from me?
“I don’t understand why this is such a big deal.” She was so calm, eerily so. “I am an adult. I made a choice. I’m happy with my choice. Period.”
I wanted to scream. I ran my hand over the little hairs on my head and snapped, “It was a dumb choice. And you left me in the dark because you knew I wouldn’t agree with your choice.” I used air quotes around the word choice and made a face like she was stupid.
She shook her head at me and said solemnly, “Please stop. It was a perfect choice, Horse. I choose you. I want you.”
“I’m not a perfect choice, not even close. Everything about me is messy. I’m like the definition of imperfect. You gave me something I didn’t deserve, Sarah, and you can’t take that back.”
She moved closer to me, her face soft. “I don’t want to take it back. I’m not perfect either. We are all imperfect. But you and I together, we make a harmony. An imperfect harmony. Can’t you see that?”
“You’re naïve,” I spat. “There is no such thing. Imperfect harmonies aren’t a thing. No one likes dissonance, Sarah. No one.”
Her face fell, and then she wasn’t soft anymore when she said, “Okay then, if that’s how you feel, I guess I’ll see you when I see you.”
Inside my chest, I felt my heart clench. She was going to walk away from me and I was going to let her because I was shit and she deserved better.