“Oh God, you think I’m leading him on?”
“Alex, for God’s sake,” Lara huffs. She looks as anxious as I feel. “Not now, please.”
Alex notices my white face and gently rubs my arm. “I’m not saying you’re leading him on at all. I’m just saying he doesn’t look like a man who’s ready to let go. The sooner you move out, the faster you can both move on.” He gives me a small smile. “You know, there’s always the sofa at our place. I’ve missed seeing your ugly mug in the mornings.”
“I bet she hasn’t missed seeing yours,” Lara jokes. I
smile, trying not to feel too down.
“It won’t come to that,” I say. “I’m sure I’ll find somewhere pretty soon.”
When we sit down to dinner, I’m still thinking about Alex’s comment. Everything Simon does is ripe for analysis, from the way he pulls my chair out before I sit, to his constant attention with the wine bottle. He’s always been a gentleman—the type to stand when a lady does—but there’s a fine line between kindness and flirtation. He’s starting to step across it.
“More wine, sweetheart?” He brushes my hand with his finger.
“I’m fine.” When I look over at Elise’s table I see Niall staring at me. His eyes narrow as Simon leans across and whispers in my ear.
“Relax, it’s all going so well.”
After dinner has been cleared away, Millicent Clancy-Jones stands up to make her speech. I barely hear any of it, and don’t even realise she’s thanked me until I see everybody staring at me, clapping their hands wildly. Embarrassed, I give a small wave and a tight smile before looking down at the napkin laid across my lap. This evening is starting to resemble a nightmare.
The auction follows, and I sit back and allow myself to relax a little. Only a couple of hours to go and we’ll be able to shut up shop for another year, claim the gala as a success and run the clinic outreach program on the proceeds. Everybody will go home happy, feeling they’ve given to a good cause, and I can start looking for somewhere else to live.
I take a moment to wonder where I’ll be this time next year. Not sitting on Simon’s table, I suppose. Will it feel weird to be just me again? I’ve become used to being part of ‘Beth and Simon’. Yet there’s a flash of excitement, too, when stepping into the unknown. It’s that feeling I try to embrace when I think of everything that’s ahead of me: moving out, splitting possessions, having to get used to a new space.
This is what I wanted, I remind myself.
Later, I’m on the dance floor with Simon, my hand clasped in his as he leads us across the floor. There’s an awkwardness in our hold. I’m avoiding resting my cheek on his shoulder, not letting our torsos touch. It reminds me of the way children learn to ballroom dance, holding each other at arm’s length. When Simon tries to pull me close I stumble over my toe, almost barrelling into him.
“Sorry.” I laugh to hide my embarrassment. I can feel his hand pressing into the small of my back, pulling me closer still.
He laughs too. “My lucky day.”
I’m reminded again of Alex’s words. “I’m planning to start looking at rooms on Monday,” I say. “I promise I’ll be moving out soon.”
“I wish you’d let me help you get a flat at least. I can’t bear to think of you sharing a house with strangers.”
“It’s fine. I think I’d rather share.” We’ve had this discussion before. He wants to buy me a place, offer it as part of any settlement. But if we go down that route he’ll never let go. It isn’t fair on either of us. I want to make this first step on my own, and let the lawyers sort out the rest. Anything else seems too personal.
As the band brings the song to a close, we slow our feet. I look up, expecting Simon to release me. Instead, his hand tightens over mine, and a serious expression washes across his face.
“Give me another chance.” There’s longing in his words, but I try to ignore it. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.
I struggle to find the right response. “I can’t...”
“We were happy, weren’t we? Until the last few months we got on so well. We can do it again. I’ll call the counsellor, set up an appointment.”
I don’t want to tell him it’s too late, because that sounds as though we waited too long to save this thing, and I don’t think it was ever salvageable. We were always going to clash; we come from such different places. I can never be the person he needs me to be.
“Simon, it isn’t going to work. I’m so sorry, but I’m leaving. I have to.” It’s even harder than the first time. Because this time, he realises I mean it.
His face twists with pain. “I love you.”
I remain silent, because anything I say will only hurt him more. He pulls back, stepping away from me, and sends me a final, sad glance before he turns and walks away.
* * *
The night is almost over when I finally get a chance to speak with Niall. I’ve finished counting the donations and closed off everything with the hotel manager, and now I’m doing my final rounds. Thanking the donors and letting them know it looks as if we’ve made a record-breaking amount. I find him sitting in a dark corner with Alex and Lara. Just seeing them all is like rubbing a comfort blanket against my cheeks.