He closes his eyes. “I know. I mean, I know you didn’t mean it. I like that you think I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. You are, without question, the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
I nod and grip his hand tighter, ready to whisk us away somewhere else.
“Wait,” he says.
“What?”
“I have to tell you something. You are going to hate me, and I don’t blame you if you do. I am sorry, but…”
“But what?”
“I can’t let you think that I am angry with you for what you said at the pool. I am angry with myself because I betrayed you and couldn’t tell you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, pulling away from him.
“This job that Sebastian is doing for me. I told you he doesn’t do something for nothing. He wanted something and I needed him to complete his task. I agreed to his request. I wish I hadn’t. Being here with you now, like this, seeing us as we were, makes it impossible for me to lie to you anymore.”
“What did you do?” I ask, already somehow knowing the answer.
“Vivienne,” he says, as I also say it.
His eyes flick to mine. “You know?”
“I do now. You fucked her. With him.”
“No! No, I didn’t fuck her. She…I…Christ, I didn’t fuck her,” he reiterates desperately.
“Well, what then? What would make you feel so guilty that you had to take it out on me?”
“We did things. What she wanted me to do. I did it. I hurt her. I hurt her but I didn’t fuck her. Sebastian fucked her but she…she…relieved me,” he says finally, dropping his head in his hands.
I close my eyes. “She pleased you, you mean,” I say coldly, aware of my fragile glass house teetering very precariously, especially now, after recent and disturbing events.
“It wasn’t pleasure,” he says, taking my hand. “It wasn’t pleasure,” he repeats. “It was…Christ. I don’t know what to call it.”
“You had sex with her though,” I say.
“No. No, I didn’t. Well, not in the literal sense.”
“I wasn’t aware that figurative sex was something you could do.” I am frowning as there seems to be some sort of déjà vu going on here, but I can’t quite understand why.
“Aefre,” he says desperately. “Please try and understand what I am trying to tell you.”
“I think I know. She used her mouth to give you pleasure, or whatever it is you want to call it, and you feel guilty about it. You shouldn’t,” I say casually even though I am dying inside. I turn from him, so he won’t see the tears that have sprung from my eyes. Yep, glass houses. They are a bitch, all right.
“Aefre. Let me explain,” he says, taking my hand.
“There is nothing to explain,” I say. “I told you, I hold no demands on you.”
“And I told you, you do. I love you. I did it for Sebastian. He wanted us to be together. It is hard for him. He has needs, desires, which can’t be fulfilled. Being a part of that,” he holds his hand out away from him in disgust, “brings him momentary fulfillment.”
“So, find someone you trust to fulfill his needs in the ordinary way,” I snap at him.
“There isn’t anyone we can trust with his secret,” he says and then looks away with a sigh. “Except you.”
“Oh no, we aren’t going there,” I say decisively. “We need to just forget this now and find a way to fix what has happened. As much as I love Devon, I am not going back to that mess,” I say, brushing all of this horror under the mental mat to deal with later.
“Promise me we will talk about it later then. Sort it out,” CK says.