Bile boils in the pit of my stomach. The urge to vomit grips me. A million what ifs race through my thoughts. Heat flashes across the base of my neck. I blink as anxiety and fear course through my veins like venom.
I push my chair back. “I need air.” I race through the back door and the cool air hits my cheeks as I gasp for my next breath with sweaty palms. The medication sticks to my skin. My mouth is too dry to take them without a drink. Why? Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t I fight back harder? I’m a killer and I don’t even care. Bruno deserved to die. He deserved a slow torturous death. What he subjected me to was heinous. Max is still out there somewhere. Holy put a bounty on his head. I don’t expect him to last long.
I keep attempting to block the incident out, but there’s no escaping or hiding from the truth. I was violated. I was raped by not one but two vile men.
“Hazel, I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you’re going to survive this,” Lily attempts to placate me.
“I’m not an after school special. I’m not going to spill my dark secrets to you while we bake cookies and braid each other’s hair.”
“You don’t have to like me or accept my help, but if you hold onto this anger, you’ll lose yourself, and I’d hate to see that happen. You’re so strong and resilient. I know that you had a hard life and for that I’m sorry. Had I known I’d like to think I would have made different choices, but we can’t go back, and I don’t live in the past. I forgave myself a long time ago. Maybe one day you’ll do the same.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
“I don’t live around here. I live a few hours away up north, but my door will always be open to you. Holy went to run his errands. You’re welcome to come back to the kitchen and eat or hang out and watch Tv in the living room. I’ll give you your space. If you need anything I’ll be upstairs.”
I hear the door close, and I suck in a breath. She’s not wrong. I’m taking my anger out on her. What happened to me isn’t her fault. That’s on me for trusting Crystal and making the choices I did. There’s no one to blame but me. My nails dig into my palms creating crescent shaped grooves. I stand in the backyard staring at the grey sky simply breathing. I stay rooted in place until the tip of my nose turns red and numb.
My body aches. Truthfully it hurts to walk.
I return to the kitchen and dump my old glass of tea in the sink, I pour myself a new glass and wash down my pills. On the table is a bottle of pain pills. I swallow my pride and two of them for good measure.
It’s not my house, but I need something to do. I clean up the food and put away the leftovers. Then I start on the dishes. I could kill Beni for deserting me. For leaving me here with strangers. When I burn through kitchen clean up, I walk around the downstairs staring at the pictures on the walls. The familiar pang in my chest that aches deep in my soul returns. The one that says I don’t belong here. That dares me to run and never look back.
The front door opens, and that Slick dude comes inside.
“Cold out there,” he states and wipes his boots on the rug.
“Yeah,” I answer, not wanting to appear rude. “Holy said you’d give me a ride back to his place?”
“Sure. Let me tend to Lily a minute and we can head out.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“No problem.” He hits the stairs taking them two at a time with his long legs.
I drop my ass to the ugly as sin couch and wait. I don’t know if I can do this. Stay here in West Virginia with Holy. Be his Ol’ Lady. I thought I could handle it, but the urge to be on my own burns in my gut. Who was I kidding thinking that I’d ever have a happy ending? I was born unlucky and bad. Benicio finding me again seems downright cruel. I had a taste of happiness. A taste of that beautiful life for one night.
I should get in my car and drive until I run out of money or gas, whichever happens first. Only now I’ve tasted beauty. I’ve held the promise of a life with the man I’ve always loved, and I don’t want to give him up.
The vines of hate and self-loathing wrap around my body trying to claim me and hold me prisoner. I have to be stronger. Fight harder.
“You’re leaving?” Lily questions as she comes down the stairs with Slick trailing her.
“Yeah. I have so much to do. Thank you for...well thank you.” The words burn my tongue, but I get them out. More for her than me.
“I hope...” she leaves it there, and I shoot her a weak smile.
“Me too,” I whisper.
Me too.
Chapter Twenty-four
“Missed a lot on your little excursion. Rio is dead. Little fucker was a rat bastard. One of Lion’s unwanted offspring. Tell me about my niece,” Prez demands.
Shit. I never had a bad vibe about the prospect. He didn’t look shit all like Lion, but when anything comes to that dead mother fucker, I suppose anything is possible. Hate that I missed all the damn excitement. Had I found Hazel sooner or been honest the moment we met all this messed up shit may not have happened to her.
Prez stares at me waiting for me to fill him in.