Maybe I’m still recovering from the hectic pace of change over the last couple of days, but I feel like a different person than I was before I moved in with them. I’ve become someone who doesn’t like being alone — and I know I’m not alone; Rachel is here with me, but of course, it’s not the same.
I liked living with the men, having them to talk to, cook with, play games with, play even better games with … and even though I know being with them is a bad idea, that doesn’t keep me from missing them.
51
Achingly real
When the sunlight coming in through the curtainless windows wakes me, I start my day craving morning sex, another thing I’d enjoyed while living with the men. I also miss their brand of coffee, and seeing all of them in their sexy construction clothing before they leave for work.
When it’s time for me to go to Rusty’s, I park on the side street to avoid seeing them. I don’t plan to avoid them forever, but things are just so raw; I’m not sure how I’ll react, and I’m not sure I’m prepared to engage in further arguments with them.
Christine asks me what’s wrong, but I just tell her I’m tired, and distract her with conversation about all of the things I’ve been doing to set up our new apartment.
Rusty’s is packed with a good summer crowd, and there are a lot of hot men, but my heart isn’t in it. They all just look like customers, not like prospects for a fun night. Of course, I have my sister to look out for now, so my head’s in a different place, but I know I’d be lying to myself if I said that was the reason for my disinterest.
As the nights pass by, I expect my thoughts of the men to gradually fade, but if anything, the opposite happens. Twice, I go out of my way to drive by their worksite during the day. I never manage to see all four of them, but I know exactly who I see, even from behind and from a distance. It reminds me of the day I first met Shane, and how he didn’t even want to introduce me to the others — and then he ended up proposing that they all share me.
It all seems unreal, when I think about it. But in another way, the pain in my heart from missing them is achingly real. It’s not fair how our heads and hearts can be in such opposition.
By the time I’m starting to wonder if I need some sort of therapy to get the four men out of my mind, they make things even worse by coming into Rusty’s. All four of them. And they look so damn good that my insides melt at the sight of them.
Marcos’s hair looks a little longer and more disheveled than when I last saw it, while Devin apparently just got a haircut, and a wave of sadness hits me at the thought that time is passing and things are changing, and I’m not in their lives to witness it.
See what I mean about how living with them changed me? I am some sort of hopeless sap these days, and I can hardly stand to be around myself.
Based on what they’re wearing, they didn’t come in straight from work. They’ve been home, showered, and changed, and I have such a strong urge to go over and inhale the scent of their skin that I have to grip the bar counter to stay put.
When their eyes find me, Shane and Marcos nod, and Devin and Khalil give tentative smiles, but then they proceed to the back, toward the office, and I see that Barrett is standing there waiting for them.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I was apparently hoping that they’d come in to declare their undying love and tell me they’re miserable without me, but I guess that’s just how I’m feeling about them. They’re here to meet with Barrett.
I do my best to focus on my work, but I’m incredibly aware, at every single moment, that they’re under the same roof. My eyes keep going to the hall, waiting for them to come out, hoping they’ll stop to talk to me.
I suppose that with the way I fled their house, I didn’t leave a big opening for a happy reunion. Maybe in the days that have passed, they’ve realized that they’re happy I’m gone. Maybe they’re getting along better without me creating tension between them.
I know they miss me in their beds, though.
Somehow, while I’m busy with customers in the corner, the four men seat themselves at a table. As soon as I spot them, I also see Scott heading over to greet them, but I head off the other server. “I’ve got this one, you can take the next two that come in,” I tell him.