He wasn't sure what to say after that. He just stood there, powerless, saddened. . . wishing that so many things had been different in both of their lives.
"I think I know why we're here," she said abruptly.
"Because you screamed. "
"No, I mean. . . " She cleared her throat. "I've always wondered why the Scribe Virgin brought me to the Sanctuary. But Lassiter, the angel, is right. I am here to help you, as you helped me long ago. "
"I didn't save you, remember. Not at the end. "
"You did, though. " He was shaking his head when she cut him off. "I used to watch you sleep - back in the Old Country. You were always to the right of the fire, and you slept on your side facing me. I spent hours memorizing the way the low glow from the peat played over your closed eyes and your cheeks and your jaw. "
Suddenly, the room seemed to retract in on them both, growing tighter, smaller. . . warmer. "Why?"
"Because you weren't like the symphath at all. You were dark and he was pale. You were big and he was thin. You were kind to me. . . and he was not. You were the only thing that kept me from going completely mad. "
"I never knew. "
"I did not want you to know. "
After a moment, he said grimly, "You always planned on killing yourself. "
"Yes. "
"Why not do it before the birth?" Man, he couldn't believe how candid they were getting.
"I did not want to curse the babe. I had heard the rumors about what happened if you took matters into your own hands, and I was prepared to accept the consequences for myself. But the unborn? It was coming into the world in such sadness to begin with, but at least it could make of its destiny what it could. "
And yet she had not been cursed. . . maybe because
of her circumstances - God knew, she had suffered enough on her way to the exit.
On that note, he shook his head again. "About the feeding. I appreciate your offer, I really do. But somehow, I can't imagine a repeat of that scene downstairs is going to do either of us any good. "
"Admit that you feel stronger. "
"You said you haven't dreamed of that shit since it happened. "
"One dream is not - "
"It's enough for me. "
That chin of hers went up again, and damned if that habit wasn't. . . well, not appealing, no. No, it was not appealing.
Really.
"If I can live through the events," she said, "I can get through the memories. "
In that moment, staring across the room at her show of will, he felt a tie to her, sure as if a rope had linked the pair of them chest-to-chest.
"Come to me again," she announced. "When you are in need. "
"We'll see about that," he dismissed. "Now, are you. . . okay? Here in this room, I mean? You can lock the door - "
"I shall be all right, if you come to me again. "
"No'One - "
"It is the only way I have to make things right with you. "