Next to me.
I had my reason for killing that piece of shit already in place before the cops even got there. I was going to tell them the dumb fuck had tried to mug me, and I hadn’t meant to kill him. I was pretty sure I’d still serve time, even without any priors, but she had nothing to do with it and I would never let her get caught up in the shit life I led.
It was the only way I saw her getting away from it. She had to get away from me.
I open the dressing room door in a swift movement and wait for Hally before I step in, closing the door and locking it immediately.
I need to hold her, comfort her, hear whatever she’s thinking. I tell myself that as I stare at the doorknob and prepare to turn around and face her.
I’m guiltridden all over again and I know the easy thing to do is just leave. But there’s no good that can come from that. Back then, it made sense to a stupid boy who was scared but didn’t want someone he loved to go down with him.
Times have changed and I need to make it right, but I don’t know how. How could she ever forgive me?
“Is it just for the cameras?” Hally asks me. The chair to the desk rocks on its front legs as she pushes it slightly from behind. She doesn’t look me in the eyes as she clenches her jaw, waiting for an answer.
“What are you talking about?” I ask her out of pure shock. That’s not at all what I expected to come out of her mouth. I approach her slowly, but she squares her shoulders and looks back at me defensively.
“You said today, you’d do it to get them off your back,” she says again, not looking at me and instead looking at the door. My heartbeat picks up. It’s just like before. A massive fight over nothing and then she’ll run. I can feel it coming.
“Our backs,” I tell her and finally she looks up at me, but it’s with daggers.
“You said yours,” she says as her nostrils flare.
“I’m used to being alone,” I answer her. “It was a-” she cuts me off right before the word “mistake.”
“Is that what you want?”
“If I wanted to be alone, I would be,” I tell her with a deathly low voice and take a chance moving closer to her. She backs away slightly, like my touch would burn her so I stop short. Hating that she’s doing this.
“You know what I mean,” she says. “Do you want me, or do you just want to fuck and smile for the cameras?” she says again and then adds, “You didn’t answer me.” She scoffs and then looks at the ceiling. “I guess that should tell me the answer right there.” She’s trying to play it off like she’s foolish, but the pain causes her eyes to go glossy with tears.
How could she even question that? “I want you,” I tell her simply. Hoping she’ll drop the entire conversation and this agenda to end what’s between us.
“So you really want to be with me?” she asks me like she doesn’t believe me.
“Yes!” I yell louder than I should. If anyone is just outside the door, I know they can hear. I lower my voice. “Of course I want you.” The words leave my lips and they’re the truest and purest I’ve ever spoken.
“Then why didn’t you say that? Why not just tell the truth?”
“What truth?” I ask her, bewildered.
“Today!” she yells, not caring in the least about anyone listening. “You could have told them we were together. You could have told them anything but instead, you just left me there … alone.”
“Where the hell are you getting this from?” I don’t understand why this is even a conversation between us. I can’t stand it. I ask the one question that matters. The one we should be discussing. “What are you afraid of, Hally?” I yell it out so loud it burns my throat, making it feel raw and dry.
“Of you,” she says so low I almost don’t hear her, her shoulders hunching slightly as her composure crumbles.
My body’s still, in disbelief.
“Because you’re going to hurt me,” she says and slowly I regain my sense of control. I would never hurt her in any way. Ever. She has to know that. This is just bullshit she’s spewing to push me away.
“I would never-”
“You left me,” she whispers. “And it still hurts.”
“I didn’t ever want to hurt you,” I tell her. “You have to know that.”
“I don’t know that,” she tells me, her eyes brimming with sincerity. “I needed someone,” she whispers her choked words. “I still need someone.”
“I’m right here, you can tell me anything,” I say and my words are desperate. “Whatever you need to tell me, I’m here.”