Her words come out slowly as she says, “You … used to date … Nathan Hart.”
Pulling my knees into my chest, I nod my head. It’s so much more than that though. We share a secret that was never told. A crime committed that was never given justice. And we’re the guilty ones.
I can’t speak. I can’t start telling our tale. It was ten years ago and during high school. A short burst of puppy love maybe. But it’s not the beginning that makes me hesitant to talk. It’s how we ended and knowing I can never tell a soul what happened.
That night has never left me.
“Shut up!” Lydia squeals with a smile plastered on her face. She obviously can’t read the thoughts going on in my head. She’s oblivious to how nauseated I feel as she grips my arm and shakes me. “Tell me everything.”
A moment passes in silence. I can’t tell her shit. I’ve never told a soul, just like Nathan commanded.
I fell in love with a boy who broke my heart. That’s about as simple as it gets and avoids the truth of the dark secret we share. It downplays my role and the guilt that will always stay with me.
I lick my lips as tears prick the back of my eyes and that’s when Lydia seems to realize this isn’t some childish retelling of a one-night stand.
“There’s nothing to tell other than that … we used to date back in high school and it ended horribly.”
“That would be an interesting little tidbit to be leaked to the papers,” Lydia arches a brow as she suggests the worst possible circumstances.
“No!” I’m quick to end that thought right where it begins and my immediate reaction has her raising her hands in defense. Fear is the overwhelming emotion. No one can know. “I don’t want anyone to know.”
He literally told me to forget his name. Every time I think about contacting him and just saying hello, I hear his words in my head. I don’t want this getting out and him thinking I had anything to do with it. I can keep it polite, cordial, professional. Or at least that’s the goal.
“No papers then. We’ll keep this quiet?” she offers and I nod my head.
The idea of sneaking around on my tiptoes and avoiding him doesn’t settle anything in me. I just can’t stand to be around him, that’s really what it is. I’ll try to keep it professional and he’ll destroy me by doing the same. But that’s all there is between us. He made sure of that.
“I need to quit,” I tell her and the last word cracks but I cover my face with my hands and pull myself together.
“First of all,” Lydia starts as she runs her hand down my back in soothing strokes. “It’s only four days that you have to be out there,” she says and then adds with a shrug of her shoulders, “He may not even be here those four days.”
I nod my head but I don’t even know why. I don’t know what I want. I’m supposed to take notes from Nancy after this, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to stay focused.
“Seriously though, you need to let it roll off your shoulders.” Her strength makes me look her in the eyes. “Don’t let this keep you from what you really want.”
What I really want is him. How stupid and naïve can I really be?
“Do you really think Nancy has something better for you right now?” Lydia asks me.
I don’t respond; I can’t even think of words. It’s not the number of days or what’s waiting for me in my career. It’s simply the proximity to Nathan that makes me feel completely undone. Like my body can only move again once he tells me I can. Like I’m only breathing right now so I can live to see what he thinks of us meeting again. So unexpectedly, and so long since he’s pushed me away.
“The pressure is on and Nancy isn’t going to get another offer for you like this, let me tell you,” Lydia starts and I know she’s got a story up her sleeve, but I don’t want to hear it.
“It’ll be okay,” I say out loud although I didn’t mean to. We hid what we did back then, and we can hide it now.
“It will,” Lydia says confidently and I can feel her eyes on me, but I can’t look back at her.
“It’ll kill me if he pretends he doesn’t recognize me,” I whisper and it’s true. It’s probably the worst thing he could do to me and it’s exactly what I’m prepared for. It’s what he did for the last two months of school, right up until he was arrested.
“If he does, he’s an ass. And either way, you’re going to kill it out there.”