My words rush out, driven by the thumping of my heart and the anxiety-laced tingling that covers my whole body. I can’t settle lately, not even for a moment, too consumed with thinking about Ryland, dreaming about him.
There’s no rest, not even when I sleep.
My body hungers for him. It’s like my womb is clamping to punish me, to let me know leaving him was the worst decision I ever made.
“You’re not pathetic.” Autumn touches my hand softly. “You really like this guy, huh?”
I laugh bitterly.
“What?” she says.
“It’s more than like,” I reply, even if I should know better. “It’s…I’m obsessed with him. I can’t stop thinking about him. And there are all these crazy thoughts, sis, about being with him long-term, maybe even having a family together.”
I give her the toned-down version, but there’s no maybe about it.
Everything I felt and still feel for Ryland is certain. I don’t have to question any of it.
Instead of rushing out like an overemotional teenager, I should’ve stayed to hear his response.
“I’m sorry,” Autumn says.
“I just don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he call? At least to arrange to return my bag and my keys? He’s not a bad person. He’d do that, wouldn’t he? And he’d want to talk about what happened.”
“I know you don’t have his phone number,” Autumn says. “But you know where he lives—”
I groan, shaking my head. “What, and show up like some crazy stalker ex freak? No thanks.”
Autumn sighs. “I’m just trying to help. I hate seeing you like this.”
“There’s nothing to be done. He has my number. He can reach me any time he likes. Maybe he was looking for a quick hookup, and I ruined it for him. Maybe he doesn’t have the patience to deal with a virgin. Fine. Whatever. I’ll get over him soon.”
Lies, lies, lies.
Even as I say the words, I know there’s no freaking way I’m ever going to forget Ryland. I’m never going to be able to let go of the life we were going to share, despite how insane that life would seem to anybody if I told them.
We only met a couple of times, in the park and on our date. And we spoke through the chat system.
That shouldn’t be enough. I shouldn’t be able to feel all of this when I barely know him.
But there’s the contradiction.
I feel like I do know him. I feel like I know him better than I’ve ever known anybody, and I’m sure he’d want to speak with me about what happened.
He could, though, if he wanted to. He could call me anytime.
“I need to get ready,” I say. “Thanks for waking me up.”
Autumn looks at me for a long moment as though there are many things she wants to say. “I wish there was a way I could help. I wish there was something I could do.”
“You are helping,” I tell her firmly, leaning over for a hug. “All you ever do is help me, sis. I promise I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.”
“Hmm.”
She leaves, clearly not believing what I just said.
How could she?
She can read me better than anybody, and all I can think about is how badly I screwed this up.
As I start work, I try not to hold onto the unlikely hope that Ryland is going to appear on the online chat system.
It makes no sense. He doesn’t need to use this now. He could simply text me.
The workday passes just like it did yesterday and the day before. In a fog, a haze, with me hardly aware of what I’m doing or typing.
I stick to the script and don’t make any errors, but I can’t summon the energy to sing or write between customers.
I can’t summon the energy for anything but the bare minimum. Even showering feels like a chore.
Get your act together. I imagine Autumn ranting at me, a speech that will be coming soon if I keep this up. You can’t dwell on this forever. Are you going to be sixty and still dreaming about the man you went on one date with?
There’s one fact I can use to console myself, to convince myself there’s a world in which I let this go.
He doesn’t feel the same as me.
There’s some attraction there, okay, and he clearly sees more in me than any man ever has. But that doesn’t mean he’d spring at the chance to have babies with me, propose to me, and have a future together.
So why, after my shift, do I find myself in our park as the sun is setting?
It’s weird to think of it as our park, mine and Ryland’s when we only came here once together. I’ve been here far more times with Autumn. And yet that’s how I think of it, my first instinctive thought.
This place is special because it’s where I saw my man for the first time.