‘Fear. I feel fear.’
Martin smiled encouragingly at him. ‘What makes you feel afraid?’
‘I’m scared…’ Adam blew out a mouthful of air. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt again.’
He felt as though Martin had led him far into a forest, and he had no idea how to get out of it. The trees were looming in on him, the air around him thick and dark.
‘It’s normal to be afraid after what you’ve been through,’ Martin said quietly. ‘It’s OK to admit to your fears. But once you acknowledge them, the next step is to do something about them.’
Adam glanced out of the office window, onto the square below. The finishing touches were being made to the parade route. In an hour it would be getting dark enough for the lit-up vehicles to be seen. He’d been so lost inside his head, he’d forgotten about the Christmas parade. ‘What can I do?’ he asked. ‘If you’re scared, you’re scared.’
‘Fear’s a natural thing,’ Martin told him. ‘It can even be useful in the right circumstance. It’s a healthy reminder of our limitations, and that sometimes we should step away from danger. But when it’s taken to extremes, or twisted in some way by our brains, it can cause us to behave in irrational ways. Like those people who are so afraid of flying that they won’t even step on an airplane.’ Martin looked up at him, catching his eye. ‘Fear becomes unhealthy when it stops us from leading a normal life.’
‘You think my fear is irrational?’
‘Is this girl a danger to you?’ Martin asked.
‘I guess not.’ Adam shrugged. ‘She’s not crazy or anything.’
‘Do you think she could hurt you?’
Yeah, he really thought she could. Not physically, of course – she could barely cope with hurting a deer, and that was an accident. But he’d been hurt before, betrayed by those who should have taken care of him. How could he let her inside if he wasn’t willing to make himself vulnerable?
Not that she probably wanted anything to do with him after the way he’d treated her.
‘I think anything has the potential to hurt us if we let it,’ Adam said slowly. ‘Paper cuts are fairly harmless, but enough of them and you’d bleed to death.’
‘So how do we protect ourselves against all these threats to ourselves?’ Martin asked. ‘Do we wrap ourselves up and hide away from the world, and refuse to let anybody in, for fear they might be carrying germs? Or do we take a risk and step outside and see the beauty the world has to offer?’
The answer was obvious, Adam knew that. But it was one thing to feel it in your head, another thing to feel it in your heart. ‘So, what, I should just go back to the house and throw myself at her?’
Martin laughed again, his eyes lighting up. Somewhere over the past few sessions, the two of them had somehow connected. Where Adam had felt resentful before at having to attend therapy on a regular basis, he now found himself enjoying it.
‘You’re full of extremes, do you know that? In a few months you’ve gone from being an explorer to a hermit. And now you want to go from zero to a hundred. Have you ever thought about moderation? Just letting yourself be a little looser, allow things to happen naturally. Enjoy the moment, spend some time with her, see if you actually have anything in common.’ He paused to take a mouthful of water from the sparkling glass beside him. ‘You know, be her friend.’
‘Be her friend,’ Adam repeated. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or roll his eyes. His therapist made things seem so simple when it was just the two of them, closeted away in his elegant office. Life was never as easy as people made it out to be.
But that wasn’t any reason not to try, was it?
‘It’s starting!’ Jonas was almost vibrating with excitement as the loud beat of the bass drum cut through the noise of the chattering crowd. They were at the front of the spectator area, Jonas’s head only just reaching above the metal barrier. He clung onto the rail with his gloved hands, leaning his chin on the top of it. ‘Can you hear it, Kitty?’
She nodded, letting his enthusiasm sink in to her own skin. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched something like this – the best comparison she could think of in London was the annual carnival parades she’d seen. But those all happened in summer, when the weather allowed. She felt almost like a child again as she heard the brass instruments start up their tune, and the lit-up band marched in unison along Main Street, playing a orchestral arrangement of ‘Winter Wonderland’.
Jonas curled his gloved hand around hers, his face pink with frozen excitement as he pointed out the decorated truck that followed the band. Festooned with lights, and complete with a nativity scene, she could see Mary and Joseph surrounded by angels and shepherds.
‘Santa doesn’t come until the end,’ Jonas told her, as if she might be concerned where he’d got to. ‘He always rides on the fire truck, and all the firemen are dressed up as elves. They throw out candy to everybody.’ From the way his eyes lit up, it sounded as though that was his very favourite part.
There was a murmur behind her as a line of old vintage cars followed on from the nativity truck, their chassis festooned with lights and tinsel. She felt a few people shuffle, the crowd next to them parting, and then saw a tall man come to a stop next to her and Jonas.
It was the first time she’d seen Adam since yesterday. Even separated by a few inches of cold air, not to mention their padded jackets, she could still feel her body reacting to him.
‘I didn’t mark you down as the parade type,’ she said, still looking straight ahead as the cars passed them by.
‘I spent my childhood watching this,’ Adam said. From the corner of her eye
she could see a half-smile on his lips. ‘It brings back old memories.’
‘Good memories?’ she asked. On her other side, Jonas was leaning forward, craning to see the final truck of the parade – the infamous Christmas fire truck. He hadn’t even noticed Adam’s arrival.