I tried to hold back the question about Lena, but the more we drove on, the more difficult it became. Now we’re parked outside an Italian takeout place, the street quiet, Preston sitting with his fists clenched in his lap.
My body thrums when I study him in his T-shirt and faded blue jeans, his look casually handsome, with his iron hair swept back. I think it naturally falls that way. It’s difficult to think of Preston applying hair products.
Even his scent is driving me closer to the edge. It’s musky, manly, him.
“She made it sound like you hurt her,” I say when the silence becomes too much to bear. “I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. But I don’t know what the heck she’s talking about.”
“I can explain,” he says, sighing again. “And maybe when I’m done, I’ll need to run from the car.”
The chord of tension inside of me reverberates again. My head feels cloudy with all the possibilities. I wonder what I’ll do if he reveals something terrible, if he reveals something that should make me want to steer clear.
Will I?
No, that’s not the right question.
Can I?
“My dad was a pimp.”
The words are so unexpected, that I almost let out a reflexive laugh. But then I see the seriousness in his gaze, the lack of irony.
“I never knew that,” I mutter, wondering what this has to do with Lena.
Preston nods. “I didn’t understand it when I was a kid, all these women coming and going. My dad was a mean, violent man. I would hear him arguing with women a lot. I heard… other things, too, horrible things. He treated them like dirt and I hated him for it. It’s a terrible thing to think about your own father, but I was relieved when he got sick. I was even more relieved when the sickness won.”
I reach over, place my hand on his shoulder and squeeze and hope he can sense the supportiveness burning through me.
But what if it’s misplaced?
“It had a big effect on me, the way he treated those women, the way he talked about them. Like they were disposable. Like women were something to be picked up, used, and then thrown away. I hated it. Maybe that’s why I stayed single for so long.”
“But Lena changed that?” I murmur, pushing down the jealousy surging up inside of me.
“Not really,” he says. “That was the problem. Me and Lena, we weren’t… it wasn’t some great romance. It wasn’t like there was this instant spark or anything like that. I was in a dark place.”
“Why?”
He looks at me and I almost scream at the emotion in his eyes. I’m certain he’s trying to silently tell me something, maybe that he wants our future as badly as I do, maybe that he’s willing to fight to share a life together.
“I thought witnessing all that as a kid had changed me. It probably did. But I thought I was never going to find anyone. Lena and I got on okay, but I made a mistake. I let fear make my decisions for me. When she said we should move in together, I agreed, but that was wrong.”
“Why?” I ask again.
“Because I didn’t love her. I didn’t care about her. And…”
He lets his words trail off, looking out the window. His muscles tense and his jaw tightens, making his skin shimmer.
“I’m going to tell you something now,” he says. “And I swear, on my mother’s grave, it’s the truth. I don’t say that lightly.”
A tingle travels up my body at the sudden intensity. I swallow, readying myself for whatever it is.
Turning to me, he holds me still with his unflinching gaze. “Last night, in the restaurant, that’s the first time I’ve ever done anything…intimate with a woman.”
“Shut up.” The words are out before I can rein them back. “What the heck are you talking about? That can’t be possible.”
“It’s the truth,” he says. “That’s what angered Lena so much. I was distant. Emotionally, yes, but also physically. I thought it might be a holdover from my childhood. Maybe it was. She was patient at first, but as weeks turned to months, it started to have an effect on her. She thought it was her fault. But it wasn’t. It was mine.”
“So you’re…” I lick my lips. “Like me?”
He nods slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. “Yeah, Penny. I’m a virgin too.”
“But how?” I gasp. “Women must’ve been throwing themselves at you all the time, nonstop, every single day.”
He shrugs. “It never felt right. I can’t explain it, but I thought I’d know when it was the right time. When I claimed my woman, I wanted it to mean something, to have some significance.”
My heart is beating in my throat, making it difficult to speak.
“Does that mean…”
“You’re special, Penny,” he says firmly. “Whatever’s happening between us, it’s unique. I knew it the first time moment I saw you.”