“I think we should see other people for a while. Just to make sure we’ve ruled out other possibilities,” he says.
I blink several times as my brain struggles to shake off its shock. “Are we . . . breaking up?” Just saying those words makes my heart pound. I might not be ready for marriage, but I definitely don’t want our relationship to end. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy to make this work.
“No, we’re just putting our relationship on pause while we consider other options. We started dating exclusively when I was still in grad school, remember? Should you buy the first car you test-drive on the lot? Or should you test-drive a few more to make sure that first car is really as great as you think?”
I shake my head, quietly horrified that he’s comparing proposing to me with buying a new car from a dealership. I’m a person.
Julian sighs and reaches over to squeeze my leg. “I think we should really take some time apart, Anna. Not breaking up, just . . . seeing other people, too.”
“For how long? And what are the rules?” I ask, hoping that this will make sense if I learn more.
He focuses on the frozen image on the TV as he says, “A few months should be good, don’t you think? As for rules . . .” He shrugs and glances at me quickly. “Let’s just go with the flow and see where things go.”
“You’re going to have sex with other people?” An unpleasant feeling pools in my stomach at the thought.
“Aside from you, I’ve only been with one other person. If we’re going to get married, I want to do it without regrets. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out. Doesn’t that make sense?” he asks.
“You’ll be okay if I sleep with someone else?” I ask, hurt and not even sure why. He makes it sound so reasonable.
He smirks slightly. “I don’t think you’ll sleep with someone else. I know you, Anna.”
I glower at his confidence.
“What? You don’t like sex,” he says with a laugh.
“That’s not true.” Not entirely. I’ve orgasmed with him twice. (Twice in five years.) And even when I don’t like the sex itself, I do like to be close to him, to feel connected to him.
It makes me feel less alone. Sometimes.
Smiling, he takes my hand and squeezes it. “I just need to know what else is out there,” he says, returning to the main point of this conversation. “Because when we marry, I want it to be forever. I don’t want to get a divorce two years later, you know? Can you see where I’m coming from?”
I look down at our joined hands. I know I should say yes or nod, but I can’t quite bring myself to do it. His proposal makes me inexplicably sad.
“I’m going to leave,” I say, pushing his hand away from mine and getting up from the bed.
“Oh, come on, Anna. Stay,” he says. “Don’t be like this.”
I rub at the wrinkles around my mouth that still haven’t entirely gone away. “I need some time before—” I stop speaking when it occurs to me that he’s not going to wait until I’m ready to go through with this plan of his. He never asked for my permission. He’s already decided. I can be on board, or I can lose him. “I need to think.”
Against his continued protests, I leave. In the elevator, I sag against the wall, overwhelmed and on the edge of tears. I take out my phone and type a text message to my closest friends, Rose and Suzie. Julian just told me he wants us to see other people for a while. He thinks I’m the one he wants to marry, but before he settles down, he wants to be sure. He doesn’t want to have regrets.
It’s late, so I don’t expect them to answer right away, especially Rose, who’s in a different time zone. I just needed to reach out, to feel like I have someone I can go to when things are crashing down around me. To my surprise, my screen instantly lights up with messages.
OMG WTF?! I WILL KICK HIS ASS, Rose says.
WHAT A DICK!!!!! Suzie says.
Their instant outrage on my behalf startles a laugh out of me, and I cradle my phone close. These two are precious to me. That’s a bit ironic since we’ve never even met in person. We connected through social media groups for classical musicians. Rose plays violin for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra. Suzie, cello for the Los Angeles Philharmonic.
I’m glad you two are upset, I tell them. He acted like he was being so reasonable, and it made me question myself.
THAT’S NOT REASONABLE, Rose says.
It’s not! Suzie agrees. I can’t believe he said that!!!
The elevator door opens, and I rush through the posh lobby of Julian’s building (his parents bought him his condo as a graduation gift when he got his MBA from Stanford’s business school). I text as I walk home. I asked if he was going to sleep around, and he dodged the question. Pretty sure that means sex is on the table. Is it closed-minded of me that I hate that?
I would not be okay with that at all, Rose says.