It had felt like grief washing over him, making his whole body ache. He’d lost the girl he was in love with, but even worse, he’d lost his best friend and he had no idea why.
“What happened next?” Gray asked. “That can’t be the whole story. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“That’s because it was bull. All of it. I only found out later the real reason she broke it off. Turns out her mom was pregnant, and Van gave all the money she’d saved for college to help out with the baby, with Zoe. And she was too damn proud to tell me, because she thought I’d either try to help her out or stay here with her instead of going to college.”
“Would you have done that?” Gray asked him.
“Hell yeah. Of course I would have. I’d have asked you guys for help, or spoken to Dad or Aunt Gina. Done something to make things better for her. It wasn’t her responsibility to stay with her mom. She was eighteen years old and brilliant as hell. She didn’t have to give up her life for her mom’s mistakes.”
Gray nodded slowly. “I would have helped.”
“I know, man. I know.”
“You need to tell them the rest,” Logan said to him.
“There’s more?” Gray asked.
“Of course there’s more.” Logan shook his head. “Why do you think the two of them haven’t spoken for ten years?”
Tanner’s gut twisted. “Yeah, well this is the part where I really messed up. And I’ve regretted it every day of my life. As you know, I went to Duke, and there were a few friends from school there with me. A few weeks into the semester, all the girls came up to visit. I messaged Van and begged her to come, too. Even offered to drive up and give her a ride. I thought maybe she’d change her mind.” He licked his dry lips. “But she didn’t reply. And when they arrived, that’s when I realized it was really over with me and Van. That she didn’t care. She wasn’t coming, and I had to start living my life without her. And that sucked. I loved her. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body. So when somebody opened the first keg up later that afternoon, I started drinking and didn’t stop. It felt good. Like I was able to breathe for the first time in weeks.”
“Never a good idea.” Cam shook his head.
“Yeah, well it felt like it at the time. The whole thing turned into a party. We were dancing, playing beer pong, having fun. Then this girl…” Tanner started laughing, though there was no humor in it. “Damn, I can’t even remember her name. She was in my math class, that’s all I remember. Anyway, she started dancing with me, and the next minute we were kissing.” Tanner shook his head. “Like really kissing. I can’t remember which one of us suggested going to my dorm room, but things got a little heated.” He lifted an eyebrow. “You can probably guess the rest.”
“You slept with her?” Gray asked.
Tanner inhaled sharply. “She stayed the night in my dorm. But the next morning about seven, somebody was banging on the door. At first I thought it was one of her friends checking on her, so I pulled my shorts on and went to answer the door. But it wasn’t her friend, it was Van.”
“Oh shit,” Cam said softly.
“I held the door open a crack, and Van started vomiting words, telling me that her mom was pregnant and she’d made a mistake. That she loved me and was so sorry for hurting me, and wanted us to try again.” He lifted his eyes to look at his brothers. They were all leaning in, staring at his mouth, waiting for his next words. “And then the girl walked over wearing only my t-shirt and mad
e it pretty damn obvious what went on.”
“What did Van say?” Gray asked.
“Nothing. She said nothing.” Tanner swallowed hard. “She just looked at me for a moment, as though she was waiting for an explanation. And I should have said something. Anything to make it better. But instead I panicked. That’s when she turned and ran away.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “When she ran, I froze. I didn’t try to explain or chase after her, and I’ve regretted that for the rest of my life.” He’d never forget Van’s face as she stared at him. Or the single tear drop that slid down her cheek. And though he’d tried to call, to talk to her, she’d refused to answer.
There were moments you regretted forever. That changed your life in the hardest way. That moment was his.
And it was happening all over again.
“Oh Jesus, Tanner.” Gray sighed.
“I know. I fucking know.” He dropped his head into his hands. “That was the last time we talked until she came back. I saw her in town a couple of times, when we were both visiting, but we didn’t acknowledge each other. She just kept on walking.”
And it had hurt like hell every time. Because he knew he’d messed up, with no clue how to make it better. So much easier to pretend she didn’t exist.
“The sooner you two start talking the better,” Gray muttered. “If you did that the first time maybe you wouldn’t be here now.”
“They’d be married with kids,” Logan said. “For sure.”
Tanner shook his head. “You’re not making me feel any better.”
“You want that?” Gray asked. “You want to commit to her?”
“Yes.” His response was immediate. “I want her so damn much it hurts.”