, I’m no expert on relationships, but it feels to me like you two had to skip a few relationship stages thanks to you getting pregnant. You’re both so different, there are bound to be struggles. And normally, those get ironed out as you get closer. You talk things through, have a few discussions, throw a few plates.” She grinned. “And then you have the hot make-up sex.”
“You seem obsessed by the make-up sex.” Courtney shook her head.
“Believe me, it’s the best kind.” Lainey winked. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that both of you are gonna have to learn to give a little. Not just over this, but over everything. That’s what relationships are. About finding common ground. And sometimes, you’re going to argue about it a lot at first.”
Courtney nodded, taking in all her words. “But how do we do that when we seem so far apart? It feels like everything is so black and white between us.”
“Can’t you find any shades of grey at all?” Lainey asked.
Reaching for a donut, Courtney took a deep breath. “I guess I could have introduced him to Ellis and Mary. He hasn’t met them.”
Lainey smiled. “That would make him feel more included for sure. And maybe you should have talked to him before agreeing that Mary could watch the baby.”
“I said I’d talk to him,” Courtney protested. “I just haven’t yet.”
“It feels to me like you both have a lot of talking to do,” Lainey said gently.
There was a lump in Courtney’s throat as she looked up at her friend. “I’m scared,” she admitted, her voice thin.
Lainey took her hand. “Oh honey, what of?”
“I keep hurting every body I love. And I don’t know how to stop it.”
“You don’t hurt anybody,” Lainey said, her voice sure. “You make everybody’s world a better place. Mine, Mary’s, Ellis’s, even Logan’s. Hell, especially Logan’s.” She stared into Courtney’s eyes, her brow dipping. “Is this about Shaun?”
“What about him?” Courtney swallowed, but the lump in her throat grew bigger.
“You know that you weren’t responsible for him dying, right? It wasn’t your fault. He made his own decisions, chose his own path. And whatever caused his death that night – whether it was an accident or intentional – that was Shaun’s choice. Not yours.”
Courtney inhaled raggedly. “I broke him,” she whispered.
“No you didn’t. He was already broken. That’s why he treated you badly. Why he ended up driving while drunk. And none of that has anything to do with you.” Her eyes flashed as she leaned forward. “As for Logan, he’s not broken. Not from what you’ve told me. Hell, he may be a little messed up, but aren’t we all? He’s not going to hurt you, Courtney. Not the way Shaun did.”
Courtney’s chest felt as though somebody was pressing down on it, pushing all the air out of her. Realization passed over her; she was afraid. So afraid of getting hurt the way Shaun had hurt her. And so scared of hurting the people she loved. But now it meant she’d pushed Logan away at the time he needed her most.
And she needed him in exactly the same way.
“You okay?” Lainey asked when Courtney had been silent for a while.
“Just thinking,” Courtney said softly.
“About Logan?”
Courtney’s lip lifted up. “Kind of. About me, really, and all the things that have happened to me. And here I am, moving forward.”
“Yes you are. Because you’re an amazingly strong woman. And you’re gonna make the most fantastic mom.”
“Oh! I forgot to tell you. I felt the baby kick.”
Lainey’s mouth dropped open, an indignant expression molding her features. “You did? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Dammit Courtney, you need to talk more.”
“Tonight, when I got home. I was crying about Logan and everything else and then I felt this little tap inside me. I thought it was my imagination at first, but then the baby did it again. That’s when I messaged you.”
Lainey looked almost mollified. “Okay, I’ll let you off. Do you think I could feel it?”
“It’s too soon.” Courtney wrinkled her nose with sympathy. “And anyway, don’t you think Logan should feel it first? He’s the dad.”
“And there’s your shade of grey,” Lainey said, her voice approving. “Even though I hate this particular one.” She stuffed part of her donut in her mouth, waiting to continue until she’d swallowed it down. “You’re going to be okay, you know? More than okay.”