I understand it now. My endless uncertainty was about running away.
From the truth about myself.
Because I am sitting here with hooves, and horns, and fur, in a place that should not exist, with a sun that might not be my sun, and I am someone I do not recognize anymore.
I am someone else.
Maybe a princess.
I just sit there for a while, my head in my hands, my mind spinning. Wondering why my life has to be so freaking stupid and complicated.
“Pie!” I turn and find Pia flying towards me, chirping. She lands on my shoulder, then climbs her way down the front of my blouse until I take her in my hands, her tiny feathered body warm against my skin. “Did you have a good morning?” she says, her sweet voice like a long-forgotten melody that brings back memories of much better times.
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. But it’s fine. Pia is talking enough for the both of us.
“I negotiated us a huge signing bonus.”
“You did?” At first, I’m just pretending to perk up to hide all the depressing thoughts inside my head. But after I say these words, I find that I really am excited to hear what she’s been up to.
“Yes! I got us perks! We have season tickets to the Royal Court Ballet, the Royal Court Orchestra, and the Royal Court Theatre. How fun is that?”
“High five, bitch.” She taps her tiny foot on my palm. “Good job.”
“And… they gave me a house.”
“They gave you a house?”
“A bird house.”
“Oh. Nice.”
“Yep. So I’m gonna stay here.”
“What?” My heart cracks again. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t talk in the other world, Pie. It’s not fun. I think I belong here. And you’re gonna be here every day, anyway. When you’re at home, you’re with Pell. So this is better.”
I want to object. Wildly. Like… I want to throw a freaking tantrum over this. Stomp my feet, and ball my fists, and scream.
Because what the actual fuck?
Why does the universe hate me? Why must it always pull the rug out from under me at every turn? Why can’t it ever just let me be happy?
Why can’t it ever let me feel safe?
“Pie? Are you OK?”
I want to tell her everything Tarq just said. I want to complain, and make her come home with me, and force her to be by my side.
But I don’t.
Because she’s happy. And if I ruin her happiness, then I’m the terrible universe that wants to pull the rug out from under her at every turn. And that’s not fair.
So I make myself smile. I force the corners of my lips to go up. I make my eyes bright. I show just the right amount of teeth. “That’s a great idea, Pia. Tomorrow I want to see your little house and hear all about your first night in your new place.”
She doesn’t have lips, so she doesn’t smile. But she makes a happy chirp. “I knew you’d understand. You have all these great things happening to you, and now we get to be normal. I love it here. I want to stay forever and ever.”
Then she flies off and disappears through the laboratory doors.