He remembered that day as one of the happiest of his life, rivaling even their wedding day in his memory. After he’d slipped the solitaire diamond ring on her finger, they’d made love on the sagging bed in his stuffy, cramped apartment. It had been ardent, sweaty, and athletic, and afterward they’d celebrated their engagement by sharing a bottle of beer.
He wished he could turn back the clock to that afternoon and once again see Janice’s cheeks flushed, her lips soft and smiling, her eyes lambent with satiation and happiness.
But if he turned back the clock to that day, they wouldn’t have Lanny.
The next thought that flashed through his mind was involuntary but treacherous, and he was instantly shamed by it.
He dropped the sponge into the plastic tub and looked over at Janice. Judging from her expression, her thoughts were moving along a similar track, or one close enough to make her feel equally guilty.
She came out of the chair as though trying to outrun her own thoughts. “I’ll go fix dinner while you’re finishing up here. Omelets okay?” Without waiting for him to reply, she left the room as though the devil was after her.
Ten minutes later they sat down to their omelets and ate in virtual silence, exchanging only brief snippets of forced conversation. Tom remembered times when they couldn’t say enough, when they would talk over each other relating the events of the day.
When he finished his meal, he carried his plate to the sink and ran water over it, then mentally braced himself and turned to his wife.
“Janice, let’s talk.”
She set her fork on the rim of her plate and placed her hands in her lap. “About what?”
“Lanny.”
“Specifically?”
“It may be time to readjust our thinking about his care.”
There, he’d said it.
Lightning didn’t strike him, nor did the statement spark a reaction from his wife. She just stared up at him with an expression as closed as a storm shutter.
He pressed on. “I think we should revisit the possibility—just the possibility—of placing him in a facility.”
She looked away from him and rolled her lips inward. Giving her a moment, he cleared the remainder of the dishes and utensils from the table and carried them to the sink.
Finally she broke the tense silence. “We made promises to him, and to each other, Tom.”
“We did,” he said somberly. “But when we pledged to keep him with us always, I think we nursed a kernel of hope that he would develop to some extent, acquire some capabilities. True?”
She neither denied nor admitted having held out such a feeble hope.
“I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.” That was something both of them knew, but had never acknowledged out loud. Saying it had caused Tom’s voice to crack with emotion.
Tight-lipped, Janice said, “All the more reason why he needs the best of care.”
“That’s just it. I’m not sure we’re providing it.” She took immediate offense, but he spoke before she could. “That’s not a criticism of you. Your patience and endurance amaze me. Truly. But caring for him is killing you.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“Am I? It’s shredding you, body and soul. I see evidence of it daily.”
“You can look into my soul?”
Her sarcasm was more effective than a flat-out rebuke would have been. He rubbed his eyes, the activities of the day catching up with him, and then some. “Please don’t make this subject even more difficult than it already is. It hurts me even to suggest moving him to a facility. Don’t you know that?”
“Then why bring it up?”
“Because one of us had to. We’re eroding as human beings, Janice. And I’m not just thinking about us. I’m thinking about Lanny. How do we know that we’re doing what’s best for him?”
“We’re his parents.”