And now all of that is about to be torn away from me.
But it’s my own fault. I made the choice to walk away from him. He didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me, and yet it had to be done. Because in the moment with him, it’s beautiful. But I know we have the power to destroy so much if we stay together. I know I’ll break my dad’s heart.
And that’s one thing in the world I can’t bear to do.
Except the alternative is turning out to be just as bad. Now that my heart is well and truly on the line, it hurts more than I ever could have imagined. Will it ever end? I don’t see how it can. He is the cure to all sadness, and I let him go.
I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. I wonder if he’s hurting as much as I am right now? I don’t think he can possibly feel as awful as I do right now. Maybe that’s why this is for the best. Maybe he will move on from this in a few days, a few weeks. I might have hurt him now, but it’s better that I pulled the band-aid off early. Now, at least he can continue his search for love without me standing in his way.
But the thought of him being with another woman…crushes me. It steals the air from my lungs and makes it feel impossible to breathe. I can picture some blonde beauty in my head, a slim woman with everything to offer. I imagine her hands all over Nate and I physically recoil at the thought, trying to shake away the image. I know it’s just my imagination, but I can’t even bear to think about him with anyone, but me.
It’s selfish. I should want him to be happy, especially since I’m the one driving a wedge between us. But I don’t want him to find happiness with another woman.
I want him to be with me.
I curl up in a ball. The pain of heartbreak is physical, overwhelming, like being stabbed through the heart. The tears on my cheeks are hot and sticky. But there’s no one to wipe them away. No one to tell me that it’s going to be okay…and I have no one but myself to blame for that.
I hear my phone ring and blink in surprise. I forgot to call my dad, even though I promised I would. I know he’s probably wearing a hole in the floor, anxious about me being away on my own for the first time.
But he’s the last person I want to talk to right now. If only he was a little more open-minded, instead of trying to control my life all the time then this whole mess could have been avoided. I mean yes I’m on this trip on my own but it’s on a boat with his friends.
I stare at my phone, feeling anger surging through me. It’s not fair. I don’t want to lose my dad but how am I supposed to get past this? How am I supposed to think I’ve made the right choice when all I feel right now is resentment.
I stand up and begin pacing the room until my phone rings out. I’ll text him back later and let him know I’m okay, but if I talk to him now, I’m likely to say something that I’ll regret. I’m filled with fury and frustration and pain. All because he’s never gotten over the death of my mother. All because he doesn’t want to lose me too.
But if he keeps coddling me this way, then he will lose me. I’ll eventually snap. I’ll eventually have to let him know that I can’t go on this way. If he won’t even allow me to fall in love, then how am I supposed to live my life? Does he expect me to stay with him forever?
I’m panting now, worked up because I don’t know how to move forward. Did I make a mistake, walking away from Nate? I can’t win no matter what I do, but Nate makes me feel happy for the first time in a long time.
Am I really going to throw all of that away?
I thought the risks were too high to be with Nate…but if he’s the only man that can make my life worth living, then surely I can’t just let this go?
I don’t know what to do. I still don’t want to hurt my dad. I don’t want him to think that I’m being spiteful, or that I’m acting out. It’s not like that. Nate means so much to me. In such a short amount of time, he’s given me everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever needed…
And I love him.