While rehearsing what I’m not going to say, I miss Shep finishing up at the wash station and sneaking up behind me. “If you need help, you’ll just have to ask Riley or me.”
I turn. Shep looks at me like I’m a stranger. He’s offering assistance like he would to any customer. And he doesn’t let his gaze fall to my little bump. Not once. That hurts the most. I used to feel seen with Shep. Seen in a way that made me feel nervous and vulnerable, yet completely understood. Now, it’s like he doesn’t want to see me. He doesn’t care to see me.
“Hi.” I manage one word.
“You good?”
“Yeah, things are good.”
He gives me a blank expression. “I meant, do you need help with anything or do you know what you’re looking for?”
Jesus. This is it? This is where we’re at?
“Can we talk?”
He glances around the busy store before returning his attention to me like I just suggested the dumbest thing ever.
“Can we talk later?” I try again.
“I’m going out with friends later.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Sure. Do you want me to come to your house? Or do we need to meet some other place so your boyfriend doesn’t find out?”
Pressing my lips together, I nod several times. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Doesn’t matter. I have work to do.” He turns and heads toward the checkout.
I grab a few items that I don’t really need and get in line. When it’s my turn, Riley smiles. “Find everything you were looking for?” She clearly doesn’t recognize me. We were never formally introduced.
“Not really,” I say. “Is the owner in today?”
“Yeah.” She nods toward Shep standing behind her, retrieving treats out of the glass display.
“He’s the owner?”
Riley nods. “Shep, she wants to speak to the owner. Let’s swap,” Riley says, taking the bag of treats from him and moving so he can stand at the register to help me.
“You’re the owner?”
He types my name into the tablet and scans my items. “Yeah,” he mumbles like it’s no big deal, like I knew that.
“You called Marta your boss.”
He shrugs, refusing to look at me as he bags my items. “She’s bossy.”
I toss my credit card onto the counter. “Is it weird that you never told me you owned this store?”
“No.” He slides the credit card back to me. “We weren’t real.”
I deserve that. And I’m not mad. I’m surprised. Here I thought the lack of transparency was one-sided. I stare at him until he looks at me, holding my bag out for me to take it.
“I … I thought you were …”
“Broke?” He cocks his head to the side.
I shake my head.
“I thought you were single,” he says.
“You thought I was getting married. Then married with kids. Homeless. On the run. You thought a lot of things that you knew weren’t true.”
He shrugs. “We needed a narrative, and you weren’t providing one. But cheating on your boyfriend? Gotta say, that I didn’t expect from you.”
“He’s not my boyfriend. I never lied to you.” It’s a stretch, but it’s true.
“I never lied to you either.”
“Shep …”
“Thanks for stopping by. Hope you enjoy your purchase.”
“Shep …”
“Next.” He leans to the side to see past me to the person waiting behind me.
I pivot, pulling Cersei toward the door. After partially opening it, I turn back around and let it slowly shut behind me.
Shep glances up as if to check that I’m gone. When he notices I’m standing at the door staring at him, he can’t seem to look away.
“You’re a terrible friend, Shep.” That was supposed to come out as an “I love you.” That was the plan. Why do my plans always go to shit?
I love you, Shep. Just say it!
A few people in line turn to look at me. I’m sure there’s more than just a few staring at me, but I focus only on Shep.
“I didn’t ask for you to be in my life. You weaseled your way into it. For a moment, maybe several moments, I let you be my best friend. Friends have to be more … friends have to be a safe place to share your fears, your dreams, heartaches, and the embarrassing things that make you feel less. Friends have to be able to see all the ugly and be there anyway. Friends hold hands. Friends embrace you when the world shakes you to the core. Friends don’t see mistakes as faults. They see mistakes as reflections of all the parts of themselves that they hope someone will love anyway. Friends fix things; they don’t break them.
“Friends don’t hold grudges. Friends know they’re not competing with anyone else for your love and trust. Friends don’t get jealous. That’s what lovers do. You said we were friends.”
Jesus … worst attempt at “I love you” ever.
I rest my free hand on my baby bump. “I’ve had the worst luck with men. And now, I’m pregnant with someone else’s baby. When we met, I was in the process of trying to evict Jimmy, my ex-boyfriend.”