He knew that if he could turn back time and somehow spend even five more minutes with Tanya he would move heaven and earth to do so.
His body tensed as Ruby turned again, rested her arms on the railing and stared out into the cold vastness of unforgiving beauty.
‘It’s a bit more complicated than that.’
‘How?’
‘What if I try and contact them and they say thanks, but no thanks? I’ve already lost them once and...’ She gestured over the terrace rail. ‘It was like plummeting into that chasm. I’m out of the pit now and I’ve got my life together. I can’t face the prospect of falling back in.’
Her voice was small and lost and compassion touched him. ‘It’s okay to be scared. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the risk.’
‘That’s easy for you to say. You’re never scared, and risk is your middle name. Given half a chance you’d leap off here and ski down the mountain.’
‘That’s different. That’s about physical fear—it helps create a buzz; it’s a good feeling. The fear of contact with your brother and sisters not working out is an emotional one, and it takes far more courage to overcome that then it does to climb a mountain.’
‘But you don’t have any emotional fears either.’
That was because he didn’t let himself feel any emotion that he couldn’t control. ‘This isn’t about me. This is about you. And I believe you should do this. Otherwise you’re letting your fear conquer something that could make an enormous difference to your life and theirs.’
Her eyes shot anger at him—a dark blue laser. ‘It’s not your decision to make. All due respect, Ethan, but you don’t know how this feels.’
‘No, I don’t. But...’
His turn
now to look away, to absorb the vast chill of white that would remain there long after he and Ruby had returned to normality.
‘But what?’
The exasperation had left her tone and she shifted closer to him, placed a hand on his forearm. Her touch brought a soothing heat and somehow gave him the incentive to step into the chasm. To help Ruby make the decision he felt to be right.
‘But I do know what it feels like to lose a sibling. I had a sister.’ His voice cracked—the word was rusty with disuse. ‘An older sister. Tanya. She died, and I would do pretty much anything to have the chance to see her again. So I am telling you, Ruby. Contact them. You have the chance of a future that has them in it. Take that chance.’
Her body stilled next to him and then she let out an exhalation of shock as her grip tightened on his arm. ‘I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say or do, but I am so very sorry.’
She closed the gap between them completely, so that her body pressed against his, and he took comfort from her closeness. For a long moment they stared out at the view, and then he heard her intake of breath.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked.
Did he? Disbelief rippled in his gut at the fact he was even considering the hitherto impossible. But he was. Because he knew that once they left the Alps there would be no more of this. It was too emotional; too many layers were being unravelled and he couldn’t risk his emotions escalating out of control.
But here and now the temptation to share his memories of Tanya nigh overwhelmed him, and images of his beautiful gentle sister streamed in his mind. He realised that he wanted Ruby to ‘know’ Tanya—to ‘see’ the sister he missed so much. Ruby had told him that talking about Tom, Edie and Philippa had reminded her of the good memories. Maybe Tanya deserved that—to be remembered.
His voice caught as he nodded his head. ‘I think I do. But not here. Let’s go back to the chalet.’
* * *
As they entered the chalet Ruby fought down the urge to throw herself onto his chest, wrap her arms around him and just hold him. Though...why not? For the next few hours at least she could be herself, could show feelings and emotions, and right now the desire to offer comfort overrode all else. But she knew that this was unmapped territory for both of them.
He shrugged his jacket off and hung it on a peg, watched her almost warily as she approached. Standing on tiptoe, she kissed his cheek, inhaled his woodsy scent, felt the solid bulk of his body against hers. She stepped back and took his hands in hers. The smile he gave was a little twisted, but his grasp tightened around hers as she tugged him towards the sofa.
‘I’ll light the fire,’ he said.
Sensing that it would be easier for him to talk whilst in action, she nodded. ‘That would be great. You want coffee?’
‘No, thanks.’
He busied herself with the fire, loaded the logs, and Ruby curled up on the purple cushions, her whole being attuned to him.