Despite the fact that she’d spent all day trying to intellect her way out of the situation she’d gotten herself into, she couldn’t even think about the first two options. Seeing Deke’s anger deflate had blown away her own, and she was left with an ache that had never really gone away. She’d merely managed to ignore it for a long time. Years, when she thought about it.
“I was scared today. I was out of my element, and it’s been a long time since I felt that way. I didn’t handle it well.”
“Which is why we need to find a different solution to your problem,” Deke replied. “There’s not time to teach you how to act like you enjoy D/s…relationships. It would be one thing if you’d introduced me as a vanilla boyfriend. We could get through that. I know a lot of couples who aren’t particularly affectionate. Hell, even if you hadn’t brought the club aspect in we might have been able to make a go of it.”
“Deke,” she began.
“Hey. It’s not your fault. This isn’t your thing.”
“But how can I know if I don’t try?”
“I’ll help you no matter what.”
“By calling my parents?”
“I know that feels harsh, but I’m serious.” He obviously wasn’t backing down on this. “I know he’s your boss, but if you’re right he’s responsible for the death of one, possibly two people, and if he thinks you’re on to him, he’ll likely do the same to you.”
She needed to make sure her own work wasn’t being compromised. Deke was right that he’d put his own career on the line. He’d told her something he hadn’t been forced to. He’d been honorable, and she’d fought him every step of the way today because she’d been embarrassed.
“I was freaked out by being nearly naked in front of strangers.” She waited for him to nod and tell her that was another reason her dumb plan couldn’t work.
Instead he put the beer down and his hand was suddenly covering hers. “Of course you were. I pushed you on that, and I wish I had more time to get you used to it. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I know I pushed the hell out of you tonight, and I feel like shit about it. You had a safe word, but you’re not used to using it. Maddie, I would never want to force myself on anyone.”
Damn it. He’d totally misunderstood her. “I was uncomfortable on your lap because I wanted to be more comfortable.”
His hand didn’t move, and she gripped it. The last thing she wanted was for this amazing man to think he’d violated her in some way. “What does that mean?”
Was he going to make her say it?
She didn’t want to, but he thought he’d been a creep and he so wasn’t. He was a man who read body language, and he’d totally gotten hers right but for all the wrong reasons. “I didn’t…I wasn’t wearing pants so you would have…known. Everyone would have known.”
That hand on hers tightened. “Known? Known what, Madeline?”
Okay, now he was a jerk, but hiding from this hadn’t worked for either of them. “Known that I was thinking about sex. It embarrassed me, and I tried to cover it by asking you a ton of questions. I also at one point recited the periodic table in my head so I wouldn’t think about sex.”
He released her hand and studied her for a moment. “Do you want to move on with me?”
“Yes. I know I screwed up tonight, but I can do this. I can absolutely pretend to want you.”
He huffed, but there was a hint of a smile on his face. “Maybe I started in the wrong place. I panicked in a way. I wondered if maybe today wasn’t the only time I pushed myself on you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Given how you reacted today, I have to wonder if I made you do things you weren’t ready to do,” he said quietly. “When we were younger. The sex we had back then, it was actually quite close to D/s sex. Not with bondage or protocol, but I was definitely in charge.”
“Deke, that was the best sex of my life.” She wasn’t going to lie to him on that point. He’d never been anything but amazing to her when it came to sex. Making love. That’s what they’d done. She had friends who talked about the shits their high school and college boyfriends were, but she couldn’t say the same of Deke. “I mean the first time kind of sucked, but then you made up for it.”
“I figured out how to get you off first.” There was a light in his eyes again that did something to her heart. “I was worried you would never want to do it again.”
He’d convinced her to let him try. He’d laid her out on a blanket and eaten her pussy until she’d screamed out his name, and then she’d been addicted to him. “You didn’t force me into anything. You didn’t manipulate me. You gave me pleasure. I promise at no point in time today was I worried you would hurt me. I was self-conscious. I’m not sure how to overcome it.”