He was a weird guy, but he absolutely found the Kyle who was enjoying his beer while he stared at the woman he wanted with open longing on his face far more relatable than the dude who played everything close to his vest. “You know you don’t need the op. You can just walk up to her and tell her how you feel and she’ll jump all over you.”
Kyle winced. “Yeah, I haven’t had that much therapy. I think I need to ease into it. Playing a couple might help me feel like I can be in a couple. You know, without the whole wake up screaming and trying to kill her thing.”
He knew that well. It was probably the kind of statement that would make most people take a step back, but it was pretty standard around here. They’d all seen some shit. “That took me a couple of years. Have you tried holding babies? It worked for me.”
“No. I try to avoid all the babies. Luckily my younger siblings are both teenagers and my brother and Tess are far from procreating. I managed to miss out on the poop years, and for that I am grateful.”
He could still remember how his sisters wouldn’t let him brood in peace. Somehow they’d known how to force him back to reality, to see that there was still good in the world and he could be a part of it.
He’d always wondered if he would have needed those babies if he’d had Madeline. He’d spent every night in that prison he’d been in dreaming she was with him, seeing her open the cell door and leading him back out into the light.
“How long has it been since you’ve seen her?” Kyle asked.
He let out a long sigh. It was time to be realistic. He didn’t want to be the one who was so focused on the woman that he fucked up the op and potentially got her and his team killed. “Almost twenty years. I haven’t actually laid eyes on her since the last day of high school. I broke up with her because she was going to pass on a full ride to Yale to stay close to me.”
“Seriously?” Kyle’s eyes had gone wide. “You must have a very large dick, my brother.”
Deke snorted. “We were in love. We were that ridiculous couple who almost never fought. Everything was easy for us until the day I realized I might cost her the future she could have. She wasn’t meant to live the life her parents did. She was meant to go to Yale and get a high-tech job and afford a three-million-dollar house.”
“Uh, why didn’t you just go with her?”
He’d certainly thought about it. “My dad was sick at the time. He had cancer and I needed to help keep the business going. He recovered, but it was too late by then, and she wouldn’t talk to me.”
“Well, that’s ancient history. There’s not a damn thing you can do about that now. I think you should do exactly what I’m going to do. You should play your part and figure out if it feels natural to you,” Kyle replied, tipping his beer toward the ladies’ table. “Right now, she doesn’t look natural. She’s twelve kinds of uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t buy her as a long-time submissive. Not even one who’d played for a couple of months. You have to get her to loosen up.”
“I can’t order her to relax.” It would be so much easier if he could.
Kyle turned his way. “She’s not the only one who needs to relax.”
“I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
“Yeah, with subs who were only looking for a good time,” Kyle pointed out. “That’s easy. I can do that, man. She’s special. She’s important. I watched you with her during the training sessions with Adam, Jake, and Serena. You were tense. What’s the problem? Beyond she’s the woman who got away and you’re worried she’s going to figure out you’re not the stud you were in high school.”
Asshole. “I assure you I’m way better in bed than I was in high school. Hell, I don’t think we actually did it in a bed more than a couple of times, and those were quick because one of our parents could come home at any minute.”
“Then what is the concern? I’m not seeing it.”
Why the hell was he having this conversation with Kyle Hawthorne? He thought seriously about not replying at all, but then he had to admit that he might be the one asking these questions if he was going into an op with Kyle as the lead. They had to work together for the next couple of weeks, and right now he wasn’t exactly giving off confident leader vibes. “I’ll make it work. I promise. Once I get her in bed, everything will work out.”