And I see him.
I see my son.
He’s smiling.
Holding someone’s hand.
A tear slides down my cheek as he nods at me and then smiles. After that, he runs off, releasing whoever’s hand he holds to play with the other children.
“He is happy,” Sariel whispers. “He is free, no longer bonded to this world, yet still bonded to you. His soul will always be connected to yours, and yours to his until it is time for you to sleep as well, as is your other son who is now with the creators.”
I didn’t think I could cry anymore, but I do. This time in gratefulness as Sariel continues to hold me.
“Sariel,” a man barks his name and opens the tent quickly, though it’s no mere man, it’s someone in golden armor. “We must return. It is finished.”
“All right.” Sariel rises, the man leaves, and I’m left with this longing I can’t possibly explain or bear. I need him.
I love him.
Maybe I’ve loved him my entire life.
I thought it was worship, but minutes in this man’s arms… this angel’s arms, has me ready to do anything to get him to stay, but I know his place isn’t here.
It’s on the mountain.
His place is to watch me.
I take comfort that his eyes will be on me, but I also want to touch him again. I want to kiss him until my lips are numb, until my body is sated, until the desire I feel is cooled.
Sariel looks down at me, a smile on his lips. “You are very pretty, Nephal.”
I didn’t expect him to compliment me. I feel myself blushing, and then I reach for his hair, touching it and twisting it with my fingers before giving it a tug and pulling his head down. I’m amazed he has zero resistance despite his power as his mouth molds against mine. I’m in his arms again, writhing against him shamelessly—the same way he does against me. His helmet is off, his eyes are a blazing glory, almost hot on my face as he opens them in wonder and stares at me between kisses like he can’t believe he’s doing what he’s doing.
I kiss him again and again.
My mouth is swollen, as is his.
And then we slowly break apart, as he sets me on my feet and sighs, reaching down for his helmet and putting it on his head and scowling at the flap of the tent. I hope it’s because he won’t leave me, but I know he will.
My life will be similar to that of Helena. I will love from afar, and he will watch me. He will force himself to forget me, and so the cycle will continue, except this time I’m going to keep him for myself.
I won’t tell his tales.
They’re mine, after all.
I step back and lower my head. “Thank you for what you’ve done. Thank you for your sacrifice—for…” I hesitate and then say it. “For your love. Thank you for your love, however brief it may be.”
“Love” —he touches my head—“is never brief. It spans lifetimes—it spans the cosmos, and the human heart is capable of very great love.”
“And yours?” I ask boldly.
His smile is sad. “Even more so.”
I reach for his hand and hold it. I sear it into my memory, and then I watch him walk away from me, away from my life, my village, my future.
I smile in order to be brave, but as I watch the rest of the golden army walk back up to their mountain, the loss that I feel in my soul is so deep I think I might spend the rest of my life wanting him.
I touch my stomach and imagine one where he was normal, where we could have a child, how special that child would be.
How very special.
He would change the world—no, he would change the cosmos.
NINE
Sariel
I watched from the mountain.
I watched her, and for days I felt like I was going mad with want for her. Between Bannik’s warnings and the rest of my brothers’ judgement for even shifting my gaze as she played with the children in the village or made bread, I was slowly losing focus.
The stars still sang, but their song was distant, just like they were. My entire being hummed and sang for her, no longer singing for the creation I was made for.
I knew it was wrong, but what do you do when something wrong feels so right? When your soul feels intertwined with someone you should have never met? And why haven’t the creators punished us yet? We’ve broken many rules in the last hundred years, and still, they are silent.
And we are forgotten.
So I justify.
I ask myself, why not? Why not spend my life doing something that has more purpose than this? Why can I not spend my life loving up close rather than far away?