I could just go out there and get in my truck. I could drive down to Dina’s and say I changed my mind. That I had a specific sandwich that I wanted. I could sit in their section with them and try to catch Rebecca’s eye.
No.
I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be like Lauren’s ex, who stalked her at work, and Carter, Everett, and I had had to go visit and correct his behavior. I couldn’t start acting like that because it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t like Rebecca, and I hadn’t even really, truly established what we were anyway. Maybe as far as she was concerned, I was just a hookup for a couple of weeks. I would be the pathetic old man, in love with the hot, young tattoo artist. Everyone would judge me, and rightfully so, if I went and sadly stalked her, waiting on her to change her mind or give me a reason why it was over.
Stuffing my keys in my pocket, I marched to the door and swung it open. I wasn’t going to go to Dina’s, but I did need some fresh air. And a walk.
The property was surrounded by woods, and I disappeared into them. I walked and walked, not in any direction or with any stopping point. I just walked. I knew enough about the land to know, vaguely. And I knew where I was, and I wasn’t going to go far anyway. If I could navigate my way around Iraq by the sun, I could certainly do it in some woods in Tennessee.
Eventually, I figured I had walked long enough, and I rested against a tree. I was so angry, so frustrated, so hurt. It was all coming at me at once and combining with emotions and fears I’d long kept in check from my time in service. I didn’t want them to, but they did it anyway. Anxiety crept up my spine and settled on my skull, sucking my energy and thoughts into itself like a parasite.
I needed to breathe. I needed to sit down, breathe deep breaths, and try to focus on one thing. Any one thing.
Crumpling to the ground, my back still against a massive oak, I stared into the middle distance until my eyes settled on a rock. It was pointing up out of the ground, clearly deeply set inside. The point was a near-perfect triangular shape, and it struck me how dangerous it would be if someone fell on it. It looked sharp. It created a sundial effect on the ground around it, just enough clearing from the trees to have its own shadow cast except, probably, the early morning when the trees on east would cast over it.
I stared at the rock and the way it seemed to point up toward the sun. Light glimmered off quartz in the stone, and I felt myself relax as I watched it twinkle slowly. Eventually, my heart stopped thumping, and my brain calmed. The anxiety melted away into a small, throbbing headache of thoughts at the base of my skull. I could keep them there for a little while if I focused on remaining calm.
I stood up and made my way back to the office trailer. It was a bit further than I thought I had walked, and going uphill, but thankfully I hadn’t changed clothes and was still dressed for trekking around. I made it back to the trailer in time to get inside, splash some cold water on my face, and grab a couple of cold sodas from the fridge before the gravel outside crunched under the tires of everyone coming back.
Peeking out of the window, I saw that only Lauren was getting out. Carter and Everett backed up and headed out again, presumably to go meet a client that I probably should have known about. I sat down on one of the couches in what would have been the living room had it stayed a double-wide trailer residence instead of being turned into an office and clicked on the television.
Lauren came in, holding a brown paper bag with handles that I guessed contained her leftovers and my sandwich. She smiled sadly at me as she came in and reached inside, pulling a plastic container with my food in it out and setting it on the coffee table in front of me.
“Thanks,” I said, opening it and seeing Everett had gone for a hot chicken sandwich for me. He nailed it. It was just about the only thing in the world that sounded edible right now.
“You’re welcome,” Lauren said cautiously as she sat in one of the chairs perpendicular to me. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.” I stuffed my mouth with a big bite of the sandwich. All of a sudden, I was famished. I realized that I hadn’t bothered with breakfast in my upset state that morning.