“Your serious face. Like when you have bad news or something.”
I glance at the guests chatting around us and twine our fingers together as I lead her to a more secluded area. “We need to discuss something first,” I tell her, bringing her into a small alcove off the side entrance.
“What is it?” she asks, her eyes as big as gumdrops.
“Allison, I don’t want to hold you back. As soon as I take down Bogdan and start a council to govern the vampire community, you’ll be safe to lead a normal life. We won’t have to pretend anymore.”
Her blue eyes narrow. “Pretend? Is that what you’ve been doing? Pretending?”
I blink. I want this woman to know how much I care about her, but a part of me wonders if I should let her believe I was pretending the whole time for her own good.
She hits my arm. “Answer me.” Tears fill her eyes, threatening to spill over and finish me off.
“I wasn’t pretending,” I tell her, my body cracking in two, feeling the full weight of what I’m telling her, wondering if I should retract it all and its implications. I cup her face in my hands, bringing her lips within an inch of my face. “I wasn’t.” I crash my lips to hers, begging for the forgiveness I don’t deserve, but she gives me none.
She pushes me away. “I know what you’re trying to do. You think I don’t want this life. Well, you’re wrong. I love this life. I love you.”
I kiss her once more, savoring her taste, memorizing it. Trying my best to never fucking forget the way she melts into me every time I touch her. When I break the kiss, it’s like realization has dawned on us that nothing will ever be the same.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, not really sure what I’m apologizing for.
Maybe all of it. The whole damn thing. Sending Simon out to find her, bringing her here and making her my wife, putting her life in danger… take your pick.
“After tonight, you’ll return to Portland.”
The tears that have been threatening to fall finally land on her cheeks. I brush them away, but she shoves at my hand.
“Why are you sending me away?”
“Because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any happiness.”
Her eyes grow bigger as she wraps her arms around my chest. “No. How could you ever think that?” She leans out of my embrace, her eyes seeking mine. “Tell me why you think you don’t deserve happiness.”
I glance over her shoulder, making sure we’re alone. “I’ve done terrible things in my life. Something that can never be forgiven. Something I’m hoping you can change for me.”
She steps out of my embrace. “What did you do?”
I take a few moments to gather my thoughts. Gather my feelings. I suck in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, memorizing every curve of her face. The soft sprinkle of freckles that race across her nose, the slight dimple she has in her right cheek. I notice it. But I can’t find the words to tell her what I need her to undo.
“It’s for the best you return to your life, after tonight,” is all I say.
Tears stream down her cheeks. “So that’s it? You’re just going to throw me away because you’re too stubborn to love me?”
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out.
“I need to be alone.” She darts off and the crown atop her head comes crashing down to the ground at my feet.
I pick it up, looking at the gold, cursing the God that would ever allow something like this to happen to one of his lambs.
I guess I’m the sacrificial lamb, never happy because I don’t deserve that love. I don’t deserve her.
I watch as she runs away from the party, wanting so badly to go after her, knowing I can’t ever give her what she needs.
But fuck.
I can’t let things end this way.
My feet follow her inside and when she rounds the corner by the kitchen, heading down the corridor, I leap and land in front of her. “Don’t leave like this.”