I’m not completely surprised by Jay’s declaration. He was always a bit of a romantic, and I suspected he was getting caught up in his feelings this week. I almost did, too.
What Brendan and Jonathan are saying doesn’t make any sense, though. They travel the world hooking up with women on different continents, from what I know of them. They’re not the type to settle down, and certainly not with me, who has so little in common with them.
“I don’t know what to say.” I don’t even know what to think.
“Say that you want to be with us too,” Corbin says.
Jay squeezes my hand. “Say that we’ll all be together.”
It would be nice to be able to say yes to this fantasy life, but fantasies aren’t real. Even though Jay didn’t use much pressure when he squeezed it, my hand hurts, reminding me that my lupus is what’s real. I’m not going to let these men pretend they want to spend the rest of their lives indoors with me, avoiding sun exposure and taking it easy.
“You’ve taken me by surprise,” I say, stating what is probably very obvious. “I’ve loved meeting you, reconnecting with you —” I look at Jay here, “and spending this week with all of you, but things between us were never meant to be long-term.
“Jay, you’ve always been a dreamer, and I love that about you, but if the two of us couldn’t make things work, how could you think the five of us could have a relationship together?”
I look around at all of the men as I continue. “We’ve been enjoying a lot of really great sex this week, but once life settled into a more normal pattern, you’d see that we don’t have that much in common.”
Silence stretches out, before Brendan says, “I disagree.”
The looks on their faces are making my chest hurt, but they must realize they wouldn’t be happy living at the pace that my body needs, and I couldn’t live life at their speed even if I wanted to — which I don’t.
“Your lives are completely different from mine. You’re traveling around the world, having adventures. I don’t want that, and I don’t want to be the reason you slow down.”
My mind fast forwards to how things would play out. We’d be happy for a while, but they’d get restless. They’d travel, because that’s what they do, so I wouldn’t see them much, and when I did, they’d be looking forward to their next adventure, and maybe even becoming resentful that I was here waiting for them.
The way I’ve been with them this week — all the sex, the activities — it’s not sustainable for me.
“Christine, you’re not looking at this the right way,” Jay says.
I slide my hands out from his and Brendan’s, and lean to the side, preparing to stand, needing not to be surrounded by all of these beautiful men who are making me say hard things.
“Things wouldn’t work out,” I say. “You know I’m right. You might not realize it now, but you will.”
They all look surprised, just like I was when Brendan brought this up, but there’s so much hurt in their expressions that I can’t bear it.
“I think I should leave,” I say. There’s no way I can have sex with them again. Not tonight, anyway. Maybe sometime in the future when things don’t feel as raw. If I ever see them again.
“Don’t go,” Jonathan says, following me into the bedroom.
“I need to go. Please don’t make it harder.”
I gather my things while Jonathan watches. Corbin and Jay are in the doorway, but they move out of my way before I pass by.
Roscoe is following us all around, and he must read the tension in the room because I notice his tail isn’t wagging like it always has been when he’s with these men.
“I’m sorry to leave so abruptly, but I think it’s best,” I say. No wonder the men thought I’d want to move in with them; my belongings seem to be spread all over the place. Finally, I get everything gathered, and hook Roscoe’s leash onto his collar.
My arms are already full, and when I bend to pick up the bag of dog food I brought over, Jay rushes forward to carry it. “Let me help you.” His voice sounds tortured, and I clench my teeth to keep from crying.
Corbin takes my big bag from my arms, and all of the men follow me to my car. They think they’re making things easier by helping to carry my stuff, but they’re actually making my exit a million times harder.
“If you ever happen to be on the island again, bringing clients on a trip or taking pictures, please come and see me,” I say, before getting into my car, “but don’t come here because of me.”
If they were to visit in a couple of weeks, it would hurt like hell when they left, and it would only drag out the inevitable.
Jay pulls me into a tight hug and holds me for a long time. I don’t know how I keep tears from falling. Each of the Hayes brothers takes a turn after that. More exquisite torture.
I was lucky to enjoy such a wonderful week with them. Now it’s time to go back to reality.