“I don’t think he does,” I shoot back. “Look at the girls he hangs out with. Why would he want me?”
“You really don’t see yourself, do you?” she replies with a head shake. “It’s a shame.”
I know my friends think that I’m beautiful, they tell me all the time. Of course, it’s nice to hear, but I don’t believe it and I know that I never will. I’m plain, but that’s okay. I know who I am and I don’t mind.
“Well, now we have the bar to ourselves so we should get on with some work…”
I don’t get to finish that sentence because my phone pings with a message, I grab it and guard it as I read the words on the screen. They’re from Kade and I really don’t want the others to know. I think Cindy suspects since she keeps on shooting me odd looks, but I don’t confirm or deny. I don’t want anyone to know what this is with me and Kade until I know myself. Maybe it’ll burn bright and fade away just as quickly, maybe it’ll last and we’ll become firm friends all over again. I can’t deny to myself that I kinda hope it’s the second one.
I’m not usually one who wants to change things up, I prefer to keep the status quo as is, at least I am these days, but with Kade it won’t feel so much like changing as it will be going backwards…
* * *
I spread across my bed, glad to have a little bit of time alone to process all of this. It’s been a surprisingly huge day today and I need to wrap my head around it all. Me and Kade are on talking times, he’s been messaging me all afternoon, I don’t think he even went to the club! It’s utterly crazy.
With Cindy at choir, it’s only me which gives me a chance to look through my old things. I brought all my old diaries with me when I came to college because I thought they might provide me with some inspiration on writing projects… and also because I didn’t want my parents to accidently find them, but I haven’t looked at them until now. Now, I want to take a look because I want to see how things were.
I have them all spread in front of me and now I can’t wait. I started writing things down at about ten years old and I kept it up until my late teens. Maybe it’s something I should do again sometime.
May 5th
Me and Kade made a pact today. We’re always going to be friends. He’s so cool! I’m lucky to be his mate.
May 12th
Me and Kade went on a treasure hunt and it was fun… until those losers from down the road turned up and I had to tell them to get lost. Why are people so horrible? I don’t get it!
July 12th
Kade is awesome. Me and him got married today. He’s my pretend husband now.
All it is at that age is ‘me and Kade this’ and ‘me and Kade that’. We truly were inseparable. But I guess I don’t really want to read about when we were just kids. I want to remember when things got a little complicated, just so I can arm myself for what it’ll be like when I see him again.
I grab a diary from when I was a lot older, about fourteen, and I take a look at that.
December 14th
Oh, my goodness, I really do think that I might be falling in love with Kade. Every time I look at him my heart practically bursts from my chest. He keeps accidently touching me which makes me feel like I’m on fire. Does he like me too? Sometimes I think he does, when he’s nice to me and he makes me feel special. Those are the times when it feels like the sun is shining down on me. But then there are the other times when he only treats me as a friend. That scares me, because what if that’s how he sees me? What if that never changes?
Oh, my goodness, that makes me feel all weird inside. My heart races in my chest, pounding against the bed, my stomach does all kinds of weird flip flops. It might be six years later, but I still have the nerves that he won’t like me like that. I’ve barely grown up at all. That’s really sad. Maybe meeting him isn’t a good idea because it’ll only remind me of how much I like him and he doesn’t like me.
April 25th
I can’t believe it, I’m utterly heart broken. My fears have been right all along. Kade doesn’t like me and he never has. He hasn’t ever seen me as girlfriend material, I’ll never be anything more than a friend. He was kissing someone else today, one of the popular girls in school, and he told me to sod off when he saw me. I actually think I might be annoying to him. He has been pulling away from me recently.
I’m crying hard as I write this, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so badly. The worst part is now I have to move on. To keep my dignity, I need to tug away from him and to hold my head up high. I need to pretend that we weren’t ever friends. Just to make things easier for me. I don’t want to, I want to keep him in my life forever, but I can’t. He isn’t worth it, this pain isn’t worth it, nothing is any longer… I’m broken.
I get choked up as I recall this feeling. It was too much to bear and it took a long old time to go. However tempting he is, I need to remember that he hurt me once and he has the capability to do it again.
January 4th
Getting over Kade isn’t easy, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it. I just keep crying all the time. Mom knows what’s going on, I can tell. She has to, we’ve gone from being the best of friends to nothing. She probably wonders why I’m so sad about it… unless she can see that I’m in love with him.
March 12th
Kade is dating Holly now. He doesn’t seem to see that I’m dying inside. Either that or he doesn’t care. I really need to get a life and move on. At least when high school is done I can do it properly. That might be a long way away now, but it’ll come. I can’t wait until it does. I’ll go to college, I’ll get a degree and some life experience away from him, and then I can finally start my life. This is just a blip.
Wow, how naïve and innocent I was. I honestly thought that coming to college was my fresh start. Still, I’m not going to let this dampen anything, I still want to have a good time with him when I see him because we did have good times. As long as I swallow my feelings and I push them down so they don’t get in the way, it’ll be easy.