“She’s a good kid,” I said thoughtfully, staring out across the city. “I like her, too. I’ll be honest with you, and I don’t think this will come as a major surprise, kids haven’t really been my thing.”
She laughed. “Oh, is that so? I never would have guessed.”
"Very funny. Yes, that's so. I haven't had a lot of kids in my life, and I haven't wanted them there, either. Getting to know Emma, though, it's sort of changed my mind. She's a smart girl. A kind girl, too. And she doesn't treat me like I'm a total asshole, so I like that, too."
“That’s because you’re not an asshole. Emma hasn’t gotten to meet the few guys I’ve dated since her father passed away, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any opinions of them. She told me, right before I met you actually, that I needed to stop dating bad guys. I think she’s happy I found you.”
I should have been happy to hear it. I wanted to be happy, except that there was a cloud hanging over my head, one that had to do with my almost canceling on the Fourth of July picnic. It had been almost a month since that had gone down, and the reason for my behavior had never come up. I had tried to pretend it didn't exist, even to myself, but hearing her now, I knew that wasn't an option.
“Jess, I need to tell you something.”
“Um, okay. Not what a girl likes to hear, but okay.”
“It’s about the Fourth,” I said. “About why I almost didn’t come.”
“Okay.”
“It was about a girl.”
“I don’t understand,” she said.
“The night before the Fourth, I got a call from a woman I used to hook up with. She wanted me to come with her to some crazy, alcohol-fueled party. That was why I was going to cancel on you. I was planning on going with her instead.”
“Are you kidding me?” she asked, looking at me with narrowed eyes. “I mean, seriously, are you?”
“No, Jess, not kidding. I’m trying to be honest with you.”
“That’s great and all, but what’s the matter with you?! Is that the way things are between us? Because if so you, you better tell me now. I must have been an idiot to think this was really something. Somehow, I thought that me making it so clear I didn’t just jump into bed with men would make it clear I didn’t want either of us sleeping around, but I guess not.”
“Jess, stop.”
“Stop?!” she cried. “Don’t tell me to stop! You drop this information in my lap, and you what, expect me to be chill about it? You must be out of your mind.”
“No, I don’t expect that,” I said. “Just let me explain. Will you give me that much?”
“Fine,” she answered hotly, her face full of hurt and anger, her body language telling me that she was on the verge of making a run for it. “But don’t lie to me, Drew. Not anymore.”
"Believe me, that's the last thing I want to do. I wouldn't have told you anything if I wanted to lie. I know it doesn't make sense, but I agreed to go to the party with that gir
l because I got scared."
“Scared? What does that even mean?”
"It means that I was really falling for you, and I knew it. It scared the shit out of me, and I thought that if I did something to fuck it up, it wouldn't be scary anymore. I was falling in love with you, and I knew it."
“What’s your point?” she asked. “I knew that I was falling in love with you too by that point. You didn’t see me running off and hooking up with some other dude.”
“I didn’t hook up with her, Jess. I swear to God I didn’t. I didn’t even talk to her again.”
“But you thought about it,” she said.
"I did, but you have to understand. Or you don't, I guess, but I'm begging you! I haven't loved anyone since Alice, Jess. I don't just mean any women I dated. I mean anyone. My family is gone, so there’s nobody left to love there. All of my friends? I let them go. I basically kicked everyone I cared about out of my life so that I wouldn't have to risk loving them. You are the first, okay? Do you get that? You are the first!"
I was yelling at her. First, I told her that I almost cheated on her, and now, I was yelling at her in the middle of the park. When she walked toward me, I was sure that it was so she could slap me in the face. It was no less than I deserved. Instead, she took my face in both hands and kissed me.
I was so startled by it that all I could do was stand there for a minute. Once the shock of her reaction, her acceptance, wore off, my hands plunged into her hair, and I was kissing her back. I lost myself in her, in her feel and taste, and when she pulled away from me, it felt like I was losing the oxygen I needed to breathe.
“What is it?” I groaned. “What’s wrong?”