I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my mind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.
With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.
Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.
“Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”
She recoils in horror and clutches her hand protectively to her stomach. “One of those clinics? You mean an abortion clinic? You think I should get rid of this baby?”
“It just isn’t the right time,” I offer up. “And I do think we should get to know one another properly first. This has just highlighted that, hasn’t it?”
“I cannot believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “I actually cannot believe you. I guess you’re right... I don’t know you at all. If you thought I would give up my baby then you don’t know me either.”
She pushes past me and gets to the front door. Her hand rests on the handle where she leaves it for just a moment. I can see her thinking, and I’m also pretty sure that I see a tear splashing to the ground beneath her. I want to comfort her, but at the same time I think she’s in the wrong too. I can’t believe that she won’t even try to see things from my perspective. How is it fair that I’m going to be forced to be a father, even thought I don’t want to be?
“I’m sorry it’s ended this way,” Serena says though gritted teeth. “I am grateful for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is something that we’ll never agree on. For now, this is it.”
She leaves and I have a hollow sensation in my chest but I know that I’ve done the right thing. My business has always come first and that’s just the way it needs to be. If I want success, then I don’t have a choice and success has always been my number one priority.
Chapter Twenty – Serena
“Thank you for letting me stay, Tia, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sadly. “It means a lot to me that you would do that.”
“Serena, it’s been a week. You don’t have to thank me every day.” She glances down at my cell phone, clutched tightly between my fingers. “Still no news, huh?”
When I first turned up at Tia’s house in the middle of the night with the positive pregnancy test that she’d told me to buy, she welcomed me in with open arms. I told her it wouldn’t be for long, just until Ben saw sense and apologised but that hasn’t happened yet. He’s being stubborn. It has to be that, he can’t really want me to get rid of my baby, can he?
I rub my belly, despite the fact that there’s only a tiny little bump there, and I feel a wash of moroseness again. After I got over the initial shock, I realised how happy I am to become a Mom. Especially to Ben’s baby. How does he not feel the same? Maybe I should have listened to Marie’s warning more than I did.
“No news yet. I’m sure there will be soon, and if not I’ll get off your couch anyway. I’m sure you want your home back.”
“Where will you go?” Tia gives me a curious look. “I mean, I’m happy for you to stay as long as you need to, but I’m sure you aren’t comfortable on the couch. And what with my roommates...”
“Yeah, I know, it’s uncomfortable,” I sigh deeply. “I have a doctor’s appointment today, an ultrasound for the baby, so I guess what I’ll do is message Ben, let him know, see what he thinks when he comes to the appointment, then go from there... I suppose I could always go home to my parents.”
There is it, the dreaded fate that I’ve been trying to avoid ever since I first set foot in the city. The idea has always been there, nipping at my heels, reminding me that everything might not stay great forever and now the possibility is becoming all too real. I might actually have to face it. With a baby in my belly and no wedding ring on my finger. That’s going to go down really well. At least I’d get to see Ethan, I suppose. It’s been a very long time since I saw my baby brother. I wonder how much he’s grown...
“Ring him now,” Tia insists, shaking me from my thoughts. “Ring Ben, see if he wants to come with you.”
I scroll through the names in my phone until I find his, then I hover my finger over it for a moment. There’s a part of me that’s absolutely desperate to speak to him, I really want to hear his voice again even if he isn’t saying pleasant words to me. I really want to know how he’s feeling, a bit of my suspects that he might not be calling me because he’s too proud, too scared that I might yell at him... but what if he isn’t? What if he just doesn’t want anything more to do with me?
“I think I’ll text him,” I say without meeting Tia’s eyes for fear of the judgement that I just know will be there. “It’s easier, it ma
kes things more casual and I don’t want to disturb him if he’s at work. That’s why all of this happened after all, because he’s so busy at his job.”
“Alright, if you’re sure that’s wise.” Tia moves out from the living room and heads towards her bedroom. As she goes, I feel jealous. I miss having a bedroom to go and lock myself in. This whole living on the couch of other people just isn’t working for me.
I need to make some changes.
‘Ben, I have an appointment today at the hospital. I will be outside there at eleven AM if you want to come. Serena.’
After I hit send I wonder if that’s a bit harsh. I read and re read the words but they don’t get any better. It hardly matters though, I suppose, I’ve said what I need to say and that’s all that’s important. Ben just needs to know where I’ll be and when. That gives him the option then, he knows what is going on. There isn’t any way that he can blame me for not letting him know what was going on.
I wait for a moment, but of course I don’t get anything back. I would like to think that he’s just in a meeting or he’s digesting the information, but in reality I know that he’s just ignoring me. The rose tinted goggles that made me see everything like a fairy tale are long gone. Nothing is magical, nothing is perfect, there are no Prince Charming’s, no adventures going to fall into my lap. Everything that’s happened to me has done so because I’ve sat back and waited... naively.
I can’t even call Jenny anymore because she’ll say I told you so. She’ll also not be too pleased that I’m staying with Tia, I imagine since they have a bit of a history. I don’t know. I just don’t want to worry her anymore than I already have. I can’t be that selfish. She’s out there living the dream, enjoying her life. She doesn’t need that ruined by me. I got myself into this mess, somehow I need to get myself out of it.
But first, I need to get dressed. I have a doctor’s appointment to get to. Despite all of this bullshit with Ben, I’m excited to see my baby on that screen for the very first time.