However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.
> I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.
Chapter 12: Johnathan
I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.
Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.
I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.
Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had told me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.
I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.
She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.
Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.
Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.
I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.
If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.
What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.
I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.
Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.
When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.
So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.
Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.
Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.
Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.
All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.
I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.
Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.
I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.
However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.
I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.
I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.
“Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”
“It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.