&
nbsp; “Sweetie, what are you talking about?”
“Like when you got shot,” she said. “You acted like it was nothing, like you weren’t hurting. But I knew you were.”
I sighed, feeling like she was confusing two completely different things together. “Kelly, of course you knew I was hurting. You helped me through it.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant,” she said. “I meant even before that. You always came home and told me these crazy stories about your day. You made it sound like you were just doing your job, but I understood what you were telling me. I understood the risks you were taking.”
“Understood what exactly?”
“That you want to die,” she sobbed.
I froze, staring at her in shock as her tears rolled down her face. She looked at me, meeting my gaze, challenging me to deny it. And the funny thing was, I couldn’t.
“I don’t remember mom, but you do,” she said. “And you carry her with you all the time. I hear you talk to yourself sometimes and say her name. I know you haven’t gotten over her death, and that every risk you take at work is like you’re hoping you’ll get shot or something.”
Her words cut through me like a knife, and my heart suddenly began to ache. How someone so young could analyze me in a way I never could scared me a little. But she was right. Deep down I knew she was right. I hadn’t let go of Janice. To this day, I thought about her constantly, wishing I could turn back time, find some way to stop the cancer before it metastasized and stole her from us.
“And you know when you finally stopped?”
I looked at her and shook my head slowly.
“When you met Jenni,” she said. “For the first time in my life, I actually felt like you were happy, dad. Really happy, and that made me happy. And now you don’t want us to see her again, and we’re going to go back to Miami, and you’re going to keep doing the things you do. And then, one day, Raul is going to come to me and tell me that you’re dead. Really dead this time. And then what am I supposed to do?”
I felt my own tears well up, and I quickly wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I hugged her close. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
Kelly cried in my arms, her face buried in my chest. “Please don’t leave me, daddy,” she stammered. “Please don’t leave me.”
Tears rolled down my face as we rocked together by the edge of the pond, holding each other as I promised her over and over again that I wouldn’t.
Chapter 21: Jenni
I finally stopped crying when I was a few minutes away from my apartment complex, my eyes sore, my body shaking. I felt like I had dried up, like there were no more tears left to shed, and as I pulled into my regular parking space, my breaths came in staccatos that made my head spin.
Alex’s words still rang in my ears, and it had taken me over an hour to bring myself to pack up and leave. I couldn’t fathom the thought of not seeing him again, of not seeing Kelly, and the world around me seemed to have cracked and broken into a million pieces that would never be brought back together again.
This was all my fault. If only I had been honest with him from the start. If only I had told him everything, had let him in on the secrets and the past I was not proud of. Maybe I would still be back at the house, cooking dinner and laughing with them. Kelly wouldn’t have driven away, Alex wouldn’t have kicked me out, and I would have gone to sleep knowing that I was welcome in their home.
That was all gone now. I mentally chastised myself for thinking I was being smart, that I was somehow protecting them. It was true what they said about the path to hell being paved with good intentions, and I had definitely paved my way to my own personal hell. And I would burn here, alone, thinking of what could have been and what I had been stupid enough to throw away.
I looked out at my apartment complex and felt like a stranger here. It had only been a couple of days, but I had already gotten used to the house, to waking up next to Alex, to talking to Kelly on the rare occasions she could pull herself away from her phone. Now I was back, and although I hadn’t really moved out, it still felt like I was returning to an empty shell.
At least you still have Casper.
That thought alone made me gasp. Kelly had fallen in love with him, and I had been looking forward to having him settle in with me at the house. At least he wouldn’t have been surrounded by the misery I was bringing back home with me.
I climbed out of the car and closed the door, trudging to the trunk and taking my small gym bag out. I leaned against the car, closed my eyes, and tried to stop my head from spinning. The image of Alex yelling at me played across my closed lids and sent shivers up and down my body. I didn’t even get a chance to explain myself to him.
I opened my eyes, took a deep breath, and made my way towards the complex. Fishing for the keys in my purse, I didn’t notice Heath until I walked right into him.
“Woah, hey,” he said, holding me steady as I fell back and swayed on my feet. “You okay there, Jenni?”
I really didn’t want to deal with this now, and was too exhausted to play nice. I didn’t reply and pushed past him, making for the door.
He grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Knock, knock.”
“What do you want, Heath?” I asked, sighing in frustration, begging to be left alone so I could fall into bed and sleep for the next few days.